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April 28, 2016

Jay Z cheated, and the women who he cheated with are responsible. We must punish them.

An incredible display of Beyoncé’s artistry and resilience, the visual album Lemonade should inspire each and every one of us to comb the internet, find the women Jay Z reportedly cheated on with, and then take them down with verbal threats and abuse.

That is the message of this incredible, moving work of art: the reason men cheat on women is other women. Other women are the ones to blame. Men cheat on women because of women. We must find these other women. We must destroy them. Women are the problem. It’s women to blame. That is the single thing that will return Beyoncé to her power. That is what Beyoncé wants.

Sure, Jay Z was the one out “running this town tonight.” But that’s what men do. They are pathetic servants to the whims of their genitalia, and must head to wherever they detect the faintest hint of available pheromones. So we must find the women responsible for enticing Beyoncé’s husband into their evil boudoirs and sullying him.

In the song “Sorry” Beyoncé intones, “He better call Becky with the good hair.” There’s a big clue. Nay. An instruction. Beyonce is telling her loyal Beyhive, “Find this Becky. And destroy her.”

The most widely discussed “Becky” is Rachel Roy, who posted a incendiary instagram captioned, “Good hair, don’t care.” You know who else has good hair? Becky. You’re the Becky, Rachel. And you will be punished accordingly.

Rachel Ray’s name is very close to Rachel Roy’s, so she is guilty. She’s a well-known cooker of food, and if there’s one thing that a man loves as much as sex it’s food. That is science.

Rita Ora wore exact same outfit Beyoncé wore astride a sinking police car in “Formation” AND she posted a picture of herself in a bra that had lemons on it. Rita, it’s over for you. You’re finished here. Pack your things.

Lori Loughlin? Played Becky on Full House, has a great head of hair. GO AFTER HER. Rihanna? Why not. CLAUDIA SCHEELAN, CASEY COHEN, AND HEY MAYBE TAYLOR SWIFT??? It’s now our job to DESTROY these women for the anti-feminist, woman-hating, female-sabotaging sluts, whores, and bitches they are, and anyone else that we remotely think could have ever been in Jay Z’s vicinity. We need to strip them naked, slap ‘em on horses, and parade them through town with nothing but their long beautiful Becky-hair covering their shame. BRAND THEM EACH WITH A SCARLET “A” AND BAN THEM FROM THIS COLONY, FOR A HARLOT WILL NEVER BE WELCOME HERE! TREMBLE IN FEAR YE HOMEWRECKERS AND SIRENS, YOU SHALL NOT ESCAPE THE PUNISHMENT OF A JUST GOD NOR THE MORAL OUTRAGE OF A PIOUS INTERNET! YOU WILL BEAR THE ASHEN MARK OF YOUR SHAME IN THIS LIFE AND THE NEXT!

Because that’s the most empowered thing we can do as women: bring down other women.