Last Thursday, North Carolina passed a law that prohibits transgender people from using the public restrooms of the gender they identify with. The bill is an aggressive, bigoted attack on the rights of LGBT individuals. But there’s something North Carolina law makers haven’t thought of. For you see, a state with relatively lax public urination laws is unwise to go around making restrictive bathroom laws. Because now they’re asking for it.
What could be a more fitting retaliation to bathroom discrimination than to pee on the very state that’s doing the discriminating?
There is no greater form of disrespect than peeing on something. That’s why those Calvin bumper stickers are so popular. So, what if we made the state of North Carolina itself our new bathroom?
But before we take to the streets pantsless, overflowing Camelbacks strapped to our shoulders, I should point out that public urination isn’t totally legal in North Carolina. Or any state, for that matter. It’s definitely still 100% illegal, but it seems pretty easy to get away with (according to a cursory Google search).
In the state of North Carolina public urination is not a sex offense. So that’s pretty great, right?
Additionally, attorney Seth A. Blum, based out of Raleigh, NC said the following on www.avvo.com/legal-answers:
— Seth A. Blum
“Depending on the circumstances, it may well be possible for a lawyer to negotiate a dismissal.”
Depending on the circumstances? I mean that couldn’t work out much better for us! The circumstances are fighting bigotry! The circumstances are making the world a better place! The circumstances are peeing for justice! And while I don’t know the reputation or legitimacy of the lawyers answering questions on avvo.com, I’m pretty satisfied we’re gonna be just fine.
Plus, this stuff is only applicable if we get caught. And like, how many times have you peed outside and not gotten caught? Plenty of times, I bet! When you chug a beer at last call and forget to go before leaving the bar! When you try to hold it on a road trip but end up having to pull over before a rest stop! When you’re at the park and the port-a-potties are too gross to go in! Plenty of times!
Oh, also, I googled “public defecation laws North Carolina” and there isn’t anything specific to that exact phrase. And I’m pretty sure that’s adequate defense that would hold up in court if we get caught pooping on North Carolina.
I feel like, at this point, I should say I’m not a lawyer and don’t even have any friends who are lawyers.But no matter!
I propose we take to the streets of North Carolina and stand up, or squat down, for what’s right! All without asking anyone to deny their own identity.