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April 15, 2017
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Honestly, an AM talk show with drag queens is a great idea.

Last week’s elimination of Kimora “Super Adjective” Blac leaves us with a dozen queens and no more ‘Black Lives Matter’ jokes from Ru, godbless her heart. Let’s get to it!

1. This Week’s Challenge

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There’s a thing on a lot of other reality shows where you can tell when the producers had to coach a little life into the contestants in order to get the reaction they want. Not so on Drag Race ever. Drag queens love to scream and snap, so basically anything Ru says is gonna get a reaction, hunty. Ru could announce a spelling bee and some queen would death drop. I mean look at these girls finding out they get to do a morning talk show. Peppermint is straight up going to church over this one. That said, this is a *great* idea for a challenge and I’m excited to see these gals wake up, have a white wine, then get their Kathie Lee and Hoda on!

2. The Teams Are Picked

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The queens have to pick their teams school yard style, as Ru is wont to have them do, which always makes for some rude dude television. Farrah and Nina are picked last, but Farrah has got that Jinx Monsoon ‘water off a duck’s back'mentality about it all while Nina is more in a state of 'y'all done fucked with me for the last time.’ Also, look at that exposed rib top! Even as a boy, Nina is a high concept spooky queen! *Always* be working that *brand* gurl!

3. Just A Bit Of Advice:

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This is not the person who should be suggesting that ‘maybe we do it ghetto.’

4. Our First Crew: Good Morning Bitches

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I’m loving these looks from the Good Morning Bitches gaggle. And honestly, an AM talk show with drag queens is a great idea. By my count,one-third of The View* and two-fifths of The Talk** are already pretty much drag queens, so someone should just go full camp and make this series already.

*-Behar/Goldberg
**-Osbourne/Underwood

5. Sasha and Shea Make A Buncha Sex Jokes

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The contributions that Drag Race has made to field of innuendo over the course of eleven seasons are innumerable and Sasha + Shea continue in that grand tradition of finding new ways to make blow job jokes with a genuinely funny segment that made Ross Matthews wave his hands in a ‘oh no you didn’t/get out of here’ way three times. And I’m loving these wigs!

6. And Now, In What Has Become A Recurring Feature:

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Is Trinity an Amy Sedaris character? My gut still says yes. This would be a HELL of a mid-season reveal.

7. The Not On Today Girls Are, Well, Not On Today

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The second crew struggles right out of the gate: the anchors can’t land a joke, Peppermint forgets how to talk, Charlie is trying to be a player-coach, and they all seem to forget that morning shows have to, you know, end. Nina and Eureka have some fun shoving ham in panties, but it’s clear this morning show is the basic cable option.

8. Naughty Nighties On The Runway

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We’re given about a second-and-a-half of runway look per queen. Maybe it was too naughty for VH1? Or too nighty? Honestly, though, it went by so fast, I couldn’t even take a screen grab that wasn’t blurry. Shea and Sasha earn that winner spot with their vegetable fellatio, but it’s also worth noting that these looks are pretty fab. Sasha still needs to take off one accessory before she leaves the house (in this case, her candelabra), but these get-ups are sexy period pieces and I’m sufficiently gagged.

9. The Bottom Two

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Trinity and Charlie are put in the bottom two, which makes sense, as one was the team leader and one acted like she was. Trinity can turn it and Charlie is a seasoned queen, so this seems like it could be a good match-up. But what follows is one of the most unusual lip-syncs the show has ever seen. Let’s go to the play-by-play:

10. Trinity Takes Out Her Earrings!

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Oh, it’s ON. Trinity has freed up those ears and is ready to let it rip! Meanwhile!

11. Charlie Just Stands There!

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The stoic approach did work for Latrice with ‘Natural Woman’ but it hardly seems like the best choice for one of Britney’s second tier hits. What’s Charlie’s play here? Meanwhile!

12. Trinity Hits The Mat!

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Trinity dives into the air! Trinity crawls on the floor like a fucking goblin! Trinity spins like a whirling dervish! She flips her hair like Beyonce! She thrusts and she gyrates! She’s fucking this song! Meanwhile!

13. …Charlie Is Still Just Standing There.

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Oh no, she’s not gonna move at all, is she? The queens have gone full-on little league and are shouting at her to please, dear God, just swing at the ball. Don’t strike out looking, Charlie! Meanwhile!

14. Trinity Does A Goddamn Barrel Roll!

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Much like the runway, I couldn’t really get a clear screen grab here, but for a different reason: Trinity hasn’t stopped moving yet. She’s a fucking proton orbiting Charlie, you cannot simultaneously know her position and momentum*. She’s a fucking bat flapping and flying around the runway. She’s sacrificing the body in the name of her art. In the name of BRITNEY. Meanwhile!

*-Heisenberg’s Uncertainty Principle of Drag Queens

15. …Charlie Does Some Pointy Gun Fingers.

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Even worse, at one point she CLAPS ON THE ONE AND THE THREE INSTEAD OF THE TWO AND THE FOUR. The queens are frantic. Charlie, do SOMETHING, they scream. But Trinity’s already got her piece de resistance planned:

16. Trinity’s Ass (Seen Here In Mid-Twerk)

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Trinity’s paid good money for that ass, money she made in sweaty singles swept up from a gay bar floor, so you better BELIEVE she’s gonna shake what tha doctor gave her. The song ends and…

17. Charlie Is Sent Home

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Throwing a lip sync is a Drag Race first. Maybe Charlie had money down and was trying to beat the over/under? Her defense is that she isn’t a lip sync queen, she only sings live, but lip syncing is just singing live without having to make the right sounds (which really is one of the hard parts), so that feels a lot like saying ‘oh yeah, I’m a cyclist but I can’t ride an exercise bike.’ All that said, I liked Charlie and will always root for an older queen. She had a few good looks, she just didn’t have the fiya.
Trinity proves her lip sync prowess and we’re down to eleven queens. Check ya next week for more ru-capping!

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