50 Signs You’re Going To Be Alone Forever
By
Joshua Proctor

You ever wonder that you should just give up on dating or that there isn’t anyone for you out there? Let’s face it you’re probably going to be alone forever. By forever I mean until the day you finally get around to putting that bullet in your head. But when should you give up? Now? Well here are some signs that you are hopeless for love and you’re going to be alone forever

You haven’t miss a episode of NBC’s Grimm.
The last five Valentine’s Days you had a fancy feast with your friend Snowflake.

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Dinner is @7!

Your longest relationship lasted for 7 seasons.
All of your Tinder matches are your other Tinder accounts.
Date nights for you are when you sit next to someone on the bus ride home.
You pay hookers to play Magic The Gathering with you.
Plentyoffish sent you a email saying “There aren’t that many fish”
You don’t get poked on Facebook you get stabbed
You eat at Applebee’s.

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Where the losers eat.

Lunch to you means vodka time!
Your mail order bride got lost in the mail
You have more than one Wendy’s phone number in your cell
You’re in a one team fantasy football league and you always come in last
Your ringtone is Cowboy by Kid Rock
You’re super jelly of the people in those ISIS videos.
You own 5 or more pro-wrestling t-shirts.
Your Thanksgiving dinner is a Hungry Man

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Just like the pilgrims!

You say you’re a sex offender just so you can lie about how you had sex.
Your goldfish drowned itself to get away from you.
The only follower you have on Twitter has a profile picture of a egg.
The first person you see in the new year is always Ryan Seacrest
When you called the suicide hotline they give you tips.
Santa asked you to become Jewish.
You kidnap kids so you can get those Amber texts
You know all the lines to the movie Last Action HeroEbola doesn’t even want to hangout with you.
Your Instagram selfies get -14 likes.
You got in several fights over “Batman vs Iron Man”
You don’t think Helen Hunt isn’t that bad looking.

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You’re going to need a lot of paper bags

You’re still waiting for your dog to come back with that ball you tossed a week ago.
You can’t relate to any Taylor Swift songs.
Homeless people give you money.
9-11 wasn’t that bad of a day for you.
You play Mario Kart by yourself.
For Halloween you give out hugs.
God told you to be realistic.
Tom defriended you on Myspace.
You still have a Myspace!

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Your cats have human names like Phil or Susan.
You can name every X-Men.
You pay for your Taco Bell with food stamps.
You find out that Waldo was hiding from you.
You annoyed Jehovah’s Witnesses.
Your horoscope says “It sucks to be you” everyday.
You beat Candy Crush
Jerry Sandusky is embarrassed to be seen with you.

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“Please stop calling me.”

You drink Crush Orange over Sunkist.
You’re still playing a hide and seek game you started 13 years ago.
You haunt ghosts.
You spend your night making a list of signs that you’re going to be alone forever………OH NO!!!!!!!

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