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Stats & Data

May 17, 2018

It's time we accepted the truth.

We thought this was our country. Indeed, we thought it was our world. But I’ve come to learn that another group secretly controls our government, media, and money.

Christians run America.

Did I just blow your minds, fellow Jews? I know this sounds unbelievable; I was once naive like you. But you must take this threat seriously. Our culture, our world, hell, our capital gains are at stake. I’ll prove it to you.

Exhibit A: Christmas

My path to truth began when I decided to accompany my Shiksa maid, Christinabeth, to Jewel on a lark. While Christinabeth lugged my weekly can of goy blood down some sort of moving belt contraption, the cashier told me, “Happy Holidays.”

“Stupid woman,” I barked at her. “Don’t you know that Hanukkah ended two months ago?”

“They told us to stop saying ‘Merry Christmas’ this year,” she explained.

“What is this ‘Christmas’?” I asked. “Never mind. You’ve obviously got Tourette’s.”

But something about her tone nagged at me. When I arrived home, I had Christinabeth search this strange “Christmas” on a website called “Google.” Apparently, many people celebrate the birth of some Arab hippie named “Jesus.” The very same Jesus that founded Christianity.

Something was amiss.

Exhibit B: All The Presidents

The rabbit hole went deeper. I ordered a few dozens of my blond, blue-eyed butlers to storm the hidden archives of the White House while Christinabeth fanned me with a lulav and handfed me grapes.

My Aryan man-servants returned to inform me that, out of the 43 American presidents, 43 were Christian. And zero — the ideal interest rate for taking out loans to buy weather-controlling machines — were Jewish.

I was starting to connect the dots.

Exhibit C: The Past

They don’t just have their claws in America. This thing goes far deeper than that.

Like you, I thought that world history consisted of the Holocaust, a pogrom or two, and the birth of Jerry Seinfeld. But after I locked Christinabeth in the computer room with matzo meal gruel all weekend so she could carry on her research without distraction, she discovered a mysterious website called “Amazon.” I had her order a book from this site that described history in a way I’d never imagined.

The book claimed that Christians spread out from Israel — that’s right, our Israel—and conquered most of the world. This must have occurred while we were too busy controlling everything to pay attention.

Exhibit D: Jeff Bezos

While perusing this “Amazon,” I discovered that the company’s founder, Jeff Bezos, is the richest person on the planet. And Bezos is Christian. Coincidence?

Exhibit E: Africa

That afternoon, while deciding what TV shows all channels will broadcast next year, I happened upon something called “The History Channel.“ I pulled out my silver monocle for a closer look.

What I discovered made my monocle explode in shock.

You may occasionally glimpse Jamaicans as you roll through Crown Heights in your limo, but did you know that there’s a whole continent full of black people? It sounds meshuggah, but the show claimed that a place called Africa had a lot of black people in it. Then some Christians made their way there. Now Africans have fewer natural resources but significantly more Christian Bibles (they’re like regular Bibles, but someone stapled an extra testament to them).

Christians even handed out their Bibles for free in Africa. Free! Like a bunch of putzes who never went to business school. The whole thing gave me indigestion.

Exhibit F: South America

See Exhibit E: Africa.

Exhibit G: Basic Math

Even though the situation was looking dire, I was still comforted by one, unalterable fact: Jews outnumbered everybody.

But after checking my own brain for the census data I memorize in case I’m called upon to craft Fed policy (to any non Jews here who have somehow taught themselves to read, writing Federal Reserve policy is the Jewish equivalent of jury duty), I realized something: there are 2.2 billion Christians (and 1.8 billion Muslims, whatever those are) but only 15 million Jews.

When did that happen? And if our global population is roughly the size of Los Angeles, what will we do with all the extra space when we finally achieve total global domination? I personally only need a few mountain ranges to store my gold. Maybe we could turn the rest into cocktail lounges for the annual Elders of Zion bar crawl.

Now, I know that all these bits of data may seem unrelated. You may be thinking to yourself, “Are you maybe just making connections that aren’t there? Isn’t that how conspiracy theories work? Are you sure you’re not schizophrenic, like the professor in that movie who thinks the government is making him do math?” Maybe. But remember, that guy got pretty famous. We made a whole movie about him.

Be forewarned, fellow Jews. There’s a war on Hanukkah afoot.