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Published August 03, 2012 More Info »
26 Funny Votes
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Published August 03, 2012
EDDIE OK. If you ever are too tired to do it with your wife, I'll do it for you.   FRED I couldn't do this to my best fried. After 30 years without sex it would be a shock to your system as my wife is a real sex demon. I have a much less dangerous job for you. Just give an enema to late Rich Ross. He died of constipation.   Fred points his finger at a dead man lying by them. Eddie looks over his shoulder to see a fatso.   EDDIE You know I can't eat for five days after doing post mortem enema!   FRED So it's good for you!   EDDIE You fucking morgue paparazzi! Give me your phone!   Eddie snaps and goes to grab Fred's smartphone. Fed puts up a struggle. Suddenly Fred's smartphone flies up from his grip to land in a dead man's open mouth. Eddie and Fred launch themselves to snatch the phone out of the dead man's jaws but they only ram the phone deep into his throat. Fred sticks his hand in all the way to the elbow but he can't pull his phone out.   FRED My phone! It's worth 1000 bucks!     EDDIE If you want to get your super smartphone out you must push it from the other side giving him enema!     FRED Thank you for your fucking advice!!! You should give advice to people with fucking personal problems in fucking magazines!   Fred bites his lip nervously.   EDDIE I hope your phone is waterproof and zombieproof!   FRED Gimme the fucking key to your fucking locker!   Eddie takes the key out of his pocket and hands it to Fred who immediately storms out of the room...   INT. HOSPITAL MORGUE/CORRIDOR – CONTINUOUS   ... and back down the corridor, taking a quick beeline for Eddie's locker. Fred tries to open it but fails. He shakes the lock forcefully, no luck... It's jammed with his stale piece of chewing gum. Fred is flustered and sits on a bench to ponder the situation. After a moment of deep thought, Fred stands, seizes the bench and smashes open the lock. He roots frantically through Eddie's stuff for a long moment. Then he finds what he's been searching for: a giant syringe hooked up to a length of hose and a funnel. He grabs the strange contraption and runs back to Eddie.   INT. HOSPITAL MORGUE ROOM – CONTINUOUS   Fred rushes into the fridge room to find Eddie standing with his hands folded in front of him... and no trace of the gurney with the fat man.   FRED Where the fuck is he?   EDDIE They took him to a funeral parlor.   FRED Which funeral parlor?   EDDIE How should I know, you are the one doing all the the paperwork here...   Fred looks like he wants to kill Eddie.   INT. FUNERAL HOME – DAY   People are attending a visitation at a funeral home. A young woman in tears walks slowly to the open coffin and gazes down at her father – the dead fat man.   WOMAN Bye, Dad...   Then the Darth Vader-like wheeze can be faintly heard from the dead man's chest. The woman bends down over her father and goes wide-eyed.   WOMAN Jesus! Dad is alive! Dad is breathing! Jesus!   This causes quite a commotion among the mourners who start to hover about the coffin. The mourners' reactions take in the strangeness of what they hear.   WOMAN Somebody call an ambulance!   One man whips out his phone and punches in a speed-dial key. After a few seconds, a white coat-clad Fred enters the building with the giant syringe in his hand. The people part to make way for Fred, assuming he's a doctor.   FRED Hi everybody! I appreciate the fact that this moment is loaded with pathos... but this guy is laded with shit so please leave the building because he can explode at any moment!   The mourners exchange appalled looks.   WOMAN What?! But he is alive! He is breathing!   FRED No! He is just having fucking gas!   The woman suddenly drives her boot into Fred's crotch, sending him to the floor reeling with pain.   INT. HOSPITAL MORGUE/FRED'S ROOM – DAY   Eddie sneaks into Fred's cramped office... just enough room to walk amongst the file cabinets. He sits down and makes himself comfortable at Fred's desk. He eyes enviously a framed photoportrait on the desktop: a beautiful, thirty-something blonde... with Fred. Eddie sticks Post-its to Fred's face totally obscuring him so that he can admire the blonde alone.   EDDIE (singing) Post-it Man, Post-it Man, does whatever a Post-it can...   He then uses Fred's computer to visit his dating profile page. Eddie looks shocked, surprised. There is a dating request from a sizzling hot young brunette. Her name is Julia. Eddie is hyperventilating and sweating like a pig in the summer. He grabs a sheet of paper to fan himself.   EXT. CITY STREET/VERONA - AN ITALIAN RESTAURANT – EVENING   Eddie cockily struts down the sidewalk. He is dressed an expensive shiny suit, and is wearing retro pimp funky wing tip Capone shoes... and Robert Pattinson glossy cardboard mask on his face. He's holding a long object wrapped in paper. A rollerblading kid bumps into him, and the long paper-wrapped thing gets broken but it escapes Eddie's attention. Eddie flips up his mask.   EDDIE You alright?   KID I'm fine. I wish the streetlamps were as soft as you.   INT. VERONA RESTAURANT – CONTINUOUS   Eddie swaggers into an insanely expensive Italian restaurant. The decor is rustic, with embroidered silk curtains. The clientele is young, wealthy and confident. A passing gorgeous waitress notices Eddie first but Eddie doesn't see her until she drops her tray. Glasses and plates shatter. She throws her hands up in surrender. Other waitresses and patrons do the same. Eddie stops dead in his tracks... and also throws his hands up, still holding the wrapped object. He takes a look around, as if trying to figure out what the hell is going on here. After a brief moment, Eddie turns to speak to the beautiful waitress.   EDDIE (in a whisper) Excuse me... Is this a stick-up?   The waitress just stares at the object in Eddie's uplifted hand.   EDDIE (in a whisper) What?   Eddie follows her eyes... and realizes that what he holds closely resembles a gun in shape. EDDIE (in a whisper) Shit... (out loud) Come on, nobody's gonna get hurt 'cause these are just flowers... for a super hot live chick.   Eddie unwraps the gun-shaped object which turns out to be a bunch of broken flowers... He then lifts up his mask to reveal his troubled sweaty face. People slowly lower their hands, shake their heads and murmur. An Al Pacino type, the restaurant manager, 50's, approaches Eddie, grinning at him and takes him aside.   AL PACINO TYPE (through clenched teeth) Do you know what we do with people who spoil the lovely atmosphere of my restaurant?   EDDIE Sorry. I can clean up the floor, do the dishes, or whatever...   AL PACINO TYPE (through clenched teeth) No, we send them over to our growers who compost them and use to fertilize their tomato fields. But you would be unhealthy for the tomatoes so you just pay for damages and haul your ass outta here!   EDDIE But I'm having a date here... with a sizzling hot chick!   And on that, Julia appears in the doorway, immediately attracting everybody's attention. She is a goddess of beauty, swathed in a crimson airy dress, wearing stilettos to match, carrying a red alligator-skin purse.   AL PACINO TYPE Is that her?   EDDIE Yeaaah...   Eddie pulls his mask back on just in time before Julia spots him.   AL PACINO TYPE OK. The damages will be included in your bill...   The manager struts over to a prominent table. He then invitingly beckons to Julia and pulls out a chair for her to sit on. Julia is delighted to be in the limelight. As the manager slinks off, Eddie plods to the table with the mask covering his face. Julia looks up to see him. She cracks a confused smile.   JULIA Eddie?!   EDDIE Hi, Julia... Jesus! Your picture wasn't photoshopped!   Eddie awkwardly takes a seat across the table from Julia and hands her the broken flowers. She smells them.   JULIA How about your prophile photo? Your eyes weren't that deep-set and your complexion wasn't that glossy...   The nice waitress arrives at the table, hands them menus, and leaves.   EDDIE Julia. I'm seeking a serious relationship so let there be no secrets between you and me. Eddie dramatically takes off his mask. His face is red and dripping sweat. Julia just smiles because she is playing a game with Eddie from the very beginning.   EDDIE (CONT'D) I feel your pain and I appreciate you hiding your disappointment.   JULIA C'mon. Women don't feel disappointed when Iron Man, Bat Man, or Zorro take off their masks 'cause they look much better without them.   EDDIE I'm afraid I'm not even handsome enough to work as Banderas' or Downey Jr.'s janitor.   JULIA It can be fixed...   EDDIE What do you mean?   JULIA A healthy diet and things like that. So let's order something low-calorie.   Julia reads the menu. Eddie just stares fixedly at her.   EDDIE Do you like horrors?   JULIA I love them!   EDDIE Now I know why you don't seem to be disgusted with my looks. You should be shocked!   JULIA Actually, I had seen your photo before you turned into Robert Pattinson.   EDDIE Then why did you come here?   JULIA 'Cause I can see your inner beauty...   Julia discreetly motions to a waitress who comes over to take their order.   JULIA We will have two tofu siciliano and a bottle of Frescobaldi Castel Giocondo Brunello di Montalcino 2005.   WAITRESS That's an excellent choice.   EDDIE The tofu?   WAITRESS The tofu is great too. It was the major player at bunga-bunga sex parties thrown by the former Italian prime minister Silvio Berlusconi. He used to stick it into... Never mind.   The waitress winks at Eddie who's cheeks are flushed with perspiration. She cracks a smile as she crosses away.   JULIA If that story is supposed to serve as an appetizer I feel it's rather counterproductive.   EDDIE (faking it) Definitely! It was disgusting! Sex and food don't go well together...   JULIA However it's advisable to have sex after heavy meals 'cause sex burns 25.7 calories per minute.   EDDIE Really? So maybe we should order Lasagne?   JULIA Not on the first date...   EDDIE I like women who have standards...   JULIA You like women who refuse to go to bed with you?   EDDIE No! Yes... No...   JULIA That's why you are still a virgin.   EDDIE The truth is I don't get many chances to mingle with live women.   JULIA Live women?!   EDDIE I work at a morgue. I meet many gorgeous, brilliant women. We often are on the same wavelength, tell jokes, make bets... but, you know, they are dead, and nothing good can come of this. These relationships are a dead end.   Julia frowns, not sure what to make of it.   JULIA I'm not inquiring into your feelings toward dead women but necrophilia is illegal. Jesus, I've totally lost my appetite.   She shakes her head.   EDDIE No! It's not what you think. Couldn't do that to a dead woman! It never crossed my mind! I could no longer look myself in the mirror without turning out the light, leaving aside the fact that I hate what I see in the mirror.   The beautiful waitress comes by the table with a tray containing two dishes, two glasses, and a bottle of wine. She sets them on the table.   WAITRESS Enjoy your meal like Berlusconi!   EDDIE Thanks...   The waitress gives them a mischievous smile and leaves.   JULIA You ever been in love with a live woman?   Julia and Eddie start to sip the wine and dip their forks into tofu.   EDDIE Yes, I love Amy Whiskeyhouse but it's an unrequited, platonic feeling. I also loved a woman who lived in the building opposite my apartment.   FLASHBACK   INT. EDDDDIE'S APARTMENT/- NIGHT   POV through BINOCULARS   A twenty-something gorgeous woman comes into focus. She is getting undressed as is being watched through a window of an apartment block. She pulls off her bra and disappears into the bathroom, wearing just panties.   Eddie lowers his binoculars.   EDDIE (O.S.) I used to meet her every evening. Knew her inside out. I could wait very long for her to move out of the bathroom. I wasn't getting impatient like most men.   Eddie lowers his binoculars and waits until the woman comes out of the bathroom, stark naked. He lifts binoculars to scan her body. The next evening Eddie is spying on her through his binoculars as she breaks into stiptease routine but this time a light comes on in the adjacent window where a hulking buzz-cut commando starts unbuckling his bullet-proof vest, taking off his combat fatigues and unstrapping his guns and knives – he acts like Arnold Schwarzenegger gearing up for battle playing backwards:   EDDIE (O.S.) My love affair was terminated one night when a man came between us... And I didn't stand a chance cause he was was a member of an elite task force.   Then, out of curiosity Eddie switches from the female striptease to the male one although he looks disgusted by the sight of the muscular body with an incredible map of scar tissue. The commando cracks open the window. Suddenly the commando turns his keen eyes toward Eddie and quickly peers through his own binoculars at him closely. They lock eyes and binoculars. Before Eddie can take the binoculars away from his face, the commando shoots out a rope with a small anchor at the end. The anchor lands on the rooftop of Eddie's apartment and catches on a vent. The naked commando swings like Tarzan on his rope, arcing straight for Eddie's window. He blasts through it and pounces upon Eddie, letting out a helish cry of the banshee. END OF FLASHBACK   BACK TO SCENE