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- 0: 01 I’ve got a busy day today. First I am going to the gym, then I have a business meeting with a client.  Very important. Then I am going to mow my lawn. I think maybe I might try that “5 Hour Energy” stuff today because I could use an extra push today and the commercials on TV are cute and relatable. I got a bottle at a work function and the label is cool. Here goes.

0:00 Down the hatch! Mmm. Even though the berry flavor is artificial, it seems so real.

0:02 This is working already. Think I’ll walk to the gym instead, get some exercise that way. Then, you’re already warmed up by the time you get to the gym. It’s two work outs, for the price of one.

0:07 Noticed a bit of a rash on my arm. The cool funky label warned me this might happen, so it’s okay. I mean, I have other rashes. This one’s just different...

0:22 Lifting weights now, normally I do a 5 or 10, today I tried a 50 in each hand! Did a push-up and the floor moved! Fun fun fun fun fun! Might take a few of these triangular water cups so I can have a tepee for my LEGO men! FITNESS!

0:38 A bubble of blood just burst on my lips! Checked the well-designed label to see if there’s anything  about that! So guess what’s in this I just realized! “Seal blood”! Now I feel bad. Or good, depending. If this is the blood of a baby seal it probably didn’t give it up voluntarily, that makes me a monster! But if this is the SINGER Seal’s blood, he probably donated just ‘cause, and that is awesome!! Hoping for the latter!!

1:00 God my life is so good right now! I wish I had a time stamp to document this day! Like on “24”! “The following takes place between 10:00 am and 11:00 am”... that would be so cool! Kiefer Sutherland should be the face of 5 Hour Energy and then they could do a “24” tie-in and call it 5 BAUER Energy! I am the smartest person I know!

1:39 Jogging in the park with no pants! Giving my calf tattoo a chance to breath! My rash is gone, because I got a tattoo over it!

2:43 FORGOT TO MEET WITH IMPORTANT CLIENT! OH WELL HE WAS PROBABLY FAT ANYWAYS! THE KIND OF GUY WHO HAS NEVER RUN UP THE DOWN ESCALATOR!

3:07 DO YOU THINK THIS COUNTRY HAS TOO MANY EGYPTIANS?!

3:23 I WISH I WAS A TEENAGE DOCTOR WHO WAS VERY SMART AND DID SURGERIES! THEN I COULD BE THE FACE OF ANOTHER 5 HOUR ENERGY TIE-IN, “5 HOWSER ENERGY”! THEN WHEN I GREW UP I WOULD BE ON “HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER.” DA DA DA DA DA DAH, DA DA DA DA DA DAH, DA DA DA DA DA DA DA DAHHH.

3:37 SORRY TO THE PEOPLE ON THE FLOOR BELOW WHO MIGHT’VE SEEN WHAT I JUST DID ON THIS GLASS FLOOR!

3: 38 HOW DO YOU FIX GLASS?

3:45 MY ZIPPER IS STUCK ON THIS CAROUSEL!

3:46 WHACKED A MOLE, THINK I ACTUALLY KILLED IT!

4:00 Are you supposed to call a nurse if it’s been 4 or 5 hours, I forget? It must be 5, because it’s called 5 Hour Energy, how else am I supposed to enjoy the last hour of this erection?

4:22 Who wants to buy some jewelry that I bought at this garage sale? I assume she was selling it, her window was open... I miss the days when women cooled pies on window sills! THANKS FOR RUINING THAT, MICROWAVE!

4:59 FINISHED MOWING MY LAWN! WITH A RAZORBLADE! “Blade” is my favorite Wesley Snipes movie, that guy went to jail for tax evasion! He could outrun a vampire but not a stumpy hairy man who does taxes! Such is life. Also, my important business client decided to opt out of rescheduling a meeting after I left a bunch of fat jokes on his answering machine! It’s a win-win kind of day.

5:00 The crash. THE CRASH! THE CRASSSHHHHHH!!! WHAT AN APTLY NAMED PRODUCT! BUT THE LABEL LIED TO ME ABOUT THERE BEING NO CRASH, MUCH LIKE HOW MY AUNT LIED TO ME ABOUT WHY I HAVE NO PARENTS.

5:01 Oh boy, I will sleep tonight. Once I figure out how to get all these raccoons off of my bed. 

 

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