We are interviewing Loren C. Vandersnarff, the world’s longest surviving severed head. Mr. Vandersnarff, welcome to our Funny or Die studio.
Loren – Thank you John.
FoD – How did you come to be the world’s longest living severed head?
Loren – It was in a farming accident, in Buel, Idaho.I was operating a threshing machine, cutting wheat. The machine hit a bump and I tumbled off. The next thing I knew, I was as you see me here.
FoD – A severed head.
Loren – Right.
FoD – What was your first reaction?
Loren – A feeling of losing a great amount of weight very quickly.
FoD – I see. But how is it you came to survive such an accident? Most people would not have.
Loren – I don’t know. I’ve always been a rather independent, self-contained person. I’ve always been the kind who can adapt to adversity. All I know is,I’m still here and enjoying every new day.
FoD – The accident made you something of a celebrity, hasn’t it?
Loren – Yes. I’ve been on Letterman, Leno and Conan shows, and more recently,Ellen. I was offered a part in the upcoming re-make of the classic film, BeatMe Bite Me Burn Me Stab Me Want Me. I also had a small part in the Lee VanCleef movie if you remember, Zontar, the Thing from Venus. I recently was offered a position to head a new nonprofit coalition, Americans without Torsos,based in Washington D.C.
FoD – Then you feel lucky to be the way you are?
Loren – Well, not exactly, there are challenges. Do you have any idea how hard it is to meet women? I’m single. I’ve tried everything; hanging out at bars,going to the produce section at the supermarket. I can’t seem to meet the right lady, someone who will love me for who I am. I mean, I’ll be out on a date with a good-looking goddess, and she gets up to excuse herself to go freshen up in the ladies room, and bumps the table, and I roll off. Do you know how embarrassing that is?
FoD – I can imagine.
Loren – Try getting on a bus. There is no special provision for a disability like this. I have to get a rolling start toward the stairs, bounce off an object like a rock or can, hit the first step, and then bounce up again and again. That’s unless somebody helps me. One time a bunch of kids mistook me fora soccer ball. That was a narrow escape. What a disaster that could have been.Another time a gypsy woman mistakenly thought I was a face in a crystal ball and tried to make off with me. I’m so bitter I don’t even want to talk about it.
FoD – I’m sure our audience identifies with your struggles and challenges. On a lighter note, could you describe your average day for us?
Loren – Sure. Usually I get up in the morning, roll out of bed and make some coffee. That’s always a challenge, getting the coffee grounds into the top of the coffee maker. Then, I check my email on the computer.
FoD – I have to ask. How?
Loren – By the use my tongue. I have developed my tongue over time and relentless exercise into the strongest tongue in the world. I hold the record in the Guinness Book for bench pressing a 12 pound casaba melon with my tongue.There has been talk of adding such an event to the next Olympic Games.
FoD – That tie you’re wearing?
Loren –You like that?
FoD – Very colorful. A red tie with a glowing battery-powered neon depiction of Lady Gaga.
Loren – A fan sent it to me. I have hundreds of fans and they often send me presents I can’t use, like work boots. But this tie, since I have no neck, is attached right down here with a surfboard bungee chord.
FoD – We’re running short on time. Do you have any advice for anyone out there who might find themselves in a similar situation?
Loren – Well, it might be, never give up, or lose sight of your dreams, even if you’re viewing them from a much lower position. The world is a circle, so try to be a well-rounded individual. If you’ve got a good head on your shoulders,you don’t necessarily need the shoulders. And always play to win, plan and train for your future, and always be one step ahead.