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December 28, 2016

A Person with little left to lose describes his challenges.

We are interviewing Loren C. Vandersnarff, the world’s longest surviving severed head. Mr. Vandersnarff, welcome to our Funny or Die studio.

Loren – Thank you John.

FoD – How did you come to be the world’s longest living severed head?

Loren – It was in a farming accident, in Buel, Idaho.I was operating a threshing machine, cutting wheat. The machine hit a bump and I tumbled off. The next thing I knew, I was as you see me here.

FoD – A severed head.

Loren – Right.

FoD – What was your first reaction?

Loren – A feeling of losing a great amount of weight very quickly.

FoD – I see. But how is it you came to survive such an accident? Most people would not have.

Loren – I don’t know. I’ve always been a rather independent, self-contained person. I’ve always been the kind who can adapt to adversity. All I know is,I’m still here and enjoying every new day.

FoD – The accident made you something of a celebrity, hasn’t it?

Loren – Yes. I’ve been on Letterman, Leno and Conan shows, and more recently,Ellen. I was offered a part in the upcoming re-make of the classic film, BeatMe Bite Me Burn Me Stab Me Want Me. I also had a small part in the Lee VanCleef movie if you remember, Zontar, the Thing from Venus. I recently was offered a position to head a new nonprofit coalition, Americans without Torsos,based in Washington D.C.

FoD – Then you feel lucky to be the way you are?

Loren – Well, not exactly, there are challenges. Do you have any idea how hard it is to meet women? I’m single. I’ve tried everything; hanging out at bars,going to the produce section at the supermarket. I can’t seem to meet the right lady, someone who will love me for who I am. I mean, I’ll be out on a date with a good-looking goddess, and she gets up to excuse herself to go freshen up in the ladies room, and bumps the table, and I roll off. Do you know how embarrassing that is?

FoD – I can imagine.

Loren – Try getting on a bus. There is no special provision for a disability like this. I have to get a rolling start toward the stairs, bounce off an object like a rock or can, hit the first step, and then bounce up again and again. That’s unless somebody helps me. One time a bunch of kids mistook me fora soccer ball. That was a narrow escape. What a disaster that could have been.Another time a gypsy woman mistakenly thought I was a face in a crystal ball and tried to make off with me. I’m so bitter I don’t even want to talk about it.

FoD – I’m sure our audience identifies with your struggles and challenges. On a lighter note, could you describe your average day for us?

Loren – Sure. Usually I get up in the morning, roll out of bed and make some coffee. That’s always a challenge, getting the coffee grounds into the top of the coffee maker. Then, I check my email on the computer.

FoD – I have to ask. How?

Loren – By the use my tongue. I have developed my tongue over time and relentless exercise into the strongest tongue in the world. I hold the record in the Guinness Book for bench pressing a 12 pound casaba melon with my tongue.There has been talk of adding such an event to the next Olympic Games.

FoD – That tie you’re wearing?

Loren –You like that?

FoD – Very colorful. A red tie with a glowing battery-powered neon depiction of Lady Gaga.

Loren – A fan sent it to me. I have hundreds of fans and they often send me presents I can’t use, like work boots. But this tie, since I have no neck, is attached right down here with a surfboard bungee chord.

FoD – We’re running short on time. Do you have any advice for anyone out there who might find themselves in a similar situation?

Loren – Well, it might be, never give up, or lose sight of your dreams, even if you’re viewing them from a much lower position. The world is a circle, so try to be a well-rounded individual. If you’ve got a good head on your shoulders,you don’t necessarily need the shoulders. And always play to win, plan and train for your future, and always be one step ahead.