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December 27, 2016
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A takeoff on Abbott and Costello

I’m Mysta’ Fyed

(A man comes into an office who has a New York accent,pronouncing “mister” like “mistah”).

Okay, this should be easy. What’s your name?
I’m Mista’ Fyed.

You’re what?

I’m Mista’ Fyed.

You’re mystified? About what?

What do you mean about what?

Why are you mystified?

Why am I Mista’ Fyed?

Yes?

Because I’m who I am. I’m Mista’ Fyed.

You already told me that, but what are you mystified about?

Look, are you gonna sell me some insurance?

Not until you tell me why you’re mystified. Is it me personally?Is it the process, the filling out the forms? You can’t be mystified. You have to be sure or this won’t work. There has to be trust.

Why can’t I be Mista’ Fyed?

I want you to be comfortable, not mystified.

I’m comfortable being Mista’ Fyed.

You are?

Sure.

How can you be comfortable being mystified?

I’ve been Mista’ Fyed all my life.

You have?

That’s right.

That’s terrible.

What’s terrible about it?

That you’ve been mystified all your life.

Why is that terrible?

Because if you’re mystified, then you’re perplexed, bewildered,mysterious.

That’s not me. I’m more the bewitched, bothered, and bewildered type.

(Exasperated). Look. Let’s move on. Let’s just say, for my sake,that you’re certain you want this, and you’re not mystified.

I’m not Mista’ Fyed?

Right.

Okay.

Now. Just give me your name.

Okay.

What is it?

It’s a Spanish name. I was named after Pancho Villa.

Okay. We’re getting somewhere. What’s your last name.

Fyed.

What?

I’m Villa Fyed.

You’re vilified?

Yeah.

Why?

What do you mean why?

Why are you vilified? Who’s vilifying you? It’s not me.

Of course it’s not you.

Then who is it?

It’s me. I’m Villa Fyed.

But why are you vilified?

I guess it’s my mother. It’s just the way things worked out.

Oh, it’s your mother who vilifies you.

Well, she named me.

What’s your name?

What?

I still haven’t gotten your name.

I’m Villa Fyed.

(Angry) Look! We’ve already established that fact. What are you,some kind of a nut, a masochist? You enjoy being vilified?

Oh, I don’t know if I enjoy it. I have to be it. I have to be who I am.

Why are you so freaked out about being vilified?

How many times have you asked me why I’m Villa Fyed? Seems to me you’re the one who’s freaked out.

Look! I don’t care if you’re vilified, or mystified, or whatever. Okay? Do you want to buy some insurance or not?

Yes, I would like to.

Okay. Wait a minute. You said you wanted a group plan?

Yes.

Okay. Okay. (Takes a deep breath.) Let’s start with someone other than yourself.

How about my sister?

Okay. Now we’re getting somewhere. Who is she?

It’s Signa. Signa Fyed.

What?

Her name.

(Stares at him, pauses, then looks around, then eyes him again.)Signified?

Yeah.

Her name is signified by what?

I just told you.

Do you have a brother?

Yes I do.

What’s his name?

He’s Bono Fyed.

Get out of here. Now!

(A client gets a call from Bob Later.)

My name is Later, Bob. Just make it Later.

Okay, Bob.

I said to call me Later.

Okay, Bob.

Call me Later.

Okay. Bob.

I said to call me Later.

I already told you I would.

Good.

I’ll call you later, Bob.

No, just Later.

I already said yes.

Then why won’t you?

Why won’t I what?

Just call me Later?

I said I would. Why won’t you accept that?

Okay. No need to get angry.

By the way, what is your last name?

Later.

You won’t tell me?

I just did.

You did?

Yeah.

How come I don’t know what it is?

You do.

I do…what?

Know what it is.

If I know what it is, how come I don’t know?

It’s Later.

Later than what? Do you have a last name?

Yes.

Okay, what is it?

Later.

What’s your last name?

Later.

You’re refusing to tell me your last name.

No, it’s Later.

Okay, okay, I’ll find out later.

Find out what?

Your last name.

Later.

Right.

What?

Call you later.

Okay. I said to call me Later.

I just did.

What?

Call you later.

Okay.

I’ll call you back later.

My name is not Backlater.

Then what?

Just Later.

Justlater?

Than what?

Never mind.

You said I should take Nexus Drive then turn to the left?

Right.

Okay, that’s a left at Nexus.

No. Right.

What?

Right.

You turn left?

Not left, right.

What are you asking me for? You’re the one who knows.

Knows what?

Which way to turn.

Right.

So which way do I turn? Left, right?

Right.

Okay, I turn left.

No.

Which is right?

I told you.

No you didn’t.

Right.

You admit you didn’t tell me?

Right.

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