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Published January 28, 2012

 

Football player and flamboyant drama king, Terrell Owens told his personal trainer that he misses the NFL. After advising to spread the word that he’s interested in playing real professional football again, Owens said, “it’ll be different this time… I’ve changed, I promise I’ve changed!”

Terrell Owens Doing What He Does Best of Late, Crying

On a day when Terrell Owens (the performer formerly known as T.O.) was supposed to be holding a press conference to speak about accepting the Allen Wranglers’ offer to both play for their indoor football league team and join their ownership group, Owens instead invited reporters to his driveway, where he confessed his longing to return to the NFL.

“I’d obviously rather play football outdoors,” Owens told reporters. He spoke to the media in the nude.

What Terrell Owens was Wearing, Except Without the Pants

While some speculated that the point of being naked was to show off his fit body, others believe the showman wore no clothes as a symbol of his new-found vulnerability.

“Often times I lay awake and wonder if the NFL thinks of me even half as much as I think of them,” Owens tearfully stated to the two reporters that thought covering the story would be an amusing way to spend their lunch break. “If anyone, anywhere in the league cares for me one-one-millionth as much as I care about myself, then I think we can be together again.”

Owens continued by reminding those present that he never even announced a retirement. “I never lost the feeling in the heart and soul to play football at a real, professional level,” Owens read off an index card. Some research shows, however, that there is no scientific proof the athlete ever had either a heart or a soul. Medical records have not yet been made available to the public for review.

“Being told that the indoor football league is the equivalent of intramural sports for the rich reminded me that if I want to think I am one of the best, I need to be in a league with those who are actually considered the best,” Owens explained.

The timing of all this is natural. With the Super Bowl soon, Owens is reminded of when he played well with a bum ankle, only to lose because Donovan McNabb is “fat, slow, and bad at football.”

To conclude, Owens made his final plea, “I want to no longer look at the past with regret, but build a future based on mutual love and respect that will make both the NFL and myself very happy for years to come.”

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