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July 18, 2017
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Mike Myers will show up as a different character on every ABC show this week.

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A full body patdown is called a “Baltimore Hello.”

HOMETOWN HOMETOWN THEM BOYS UP TO SOMETOWN YUH
THEY JUST SPENT LIKE TWO OR THREE WEEKS OUT THE COUNTROWN YUH

If you ever watch the contestants on this show and think “how did that person happen?” this is your week.

If you get married you marry into a family. Let’s find out what Rachel might be getting herself into!


1) How Deep Is Your Love For Me?

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Sometimes a Sisquo will spawn in this park but it’s very rare.

Rachel and Eric meet on a hill to look out over Baltimore. Is it DRU HILL?

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“What did you say about my triangle offense??”

Rachel finally convinces Eric to let her meet his family. They play some one-on-one. Rachel dunks on Eric and then eliminates him from the show. Just kidding. DeMario comes back from many, many times ago. Just kidding.

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“Eric, seriously, HOW? She’s way out of your league.”

We get a visit from Eric’s friend Ralph. Eric side-eyes Ralph like dude knows a story that Eric doesn’t want told. Pro tip: never trust a Ralph.

Eric describes his family as “successful in the streets” which is how I describe my family. We’re successful in the streets…because we can’t afford sheets? Never said it was a good description.

Rachel worries that a self-reliant guy like Eric would have a hard time being a partner. She wonders what it is she has that’s made him think he can be one. I dunno, maybe you’re a stunningly beautiful lawyer with the personality of a puppy angel?

2) Meet The Parents

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“I don’t know Ralph, why don’t you ask that coat you’re wearing?”

We are meeting the family at Eric’s aunt’s home because the producers find the nicest home in the family and insist on shooting there.

Everybody is ready to meet Rachel and they make her feel like she’s already part of the family. Eric, did you tell them you’re already engaged?

Eric tells the story of how they first met - BEFORE the limo reveal. Waitaminute…parts of this show are made up for the cameras??

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Excuse me miss…

Rachel and Eric’s Aunt Verna dish about Eric and honestly? Eric’s aunt is great; she could be a strong candidate for the next Bachelorette. FOH with your ageist protests.

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“My greatest strength? Definitely my squats.”

Karen, Eric’s mom, sits down and interviews Rachel. They talk with all the emotion of a job interview. Wonder if she works at the same dealership as Matt?

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“I almost have something important to tell you.”

Eric takes Rachel off to the harbor and almost tells Rachel he loves her. She leaves almost smitten AF.

3) Know You Can’t Control Yourself Any Longer

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Welcome to Miami - The City of Buildings!

Sorry, what did you say? I can’t hear you over this Sound Machine because we are in steamy, sexy Miami!

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*DRY HUMPING INTENSIFIES*

Rachel meets up with Bryan in a public park and immediately tries to get it in. Relax horn dogs there’s a whole day ahead of you.

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Bryan, ever the gentleman, takes her to play dominoes and talks shit on her in Spanish. Then he takes her for a street meat sandwich. Hold the asphalt!

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“Sorry, I couldn’t hear you; could you speak directly into my vagina?”

Rachel and Bryan go dancing then Bryan recaps his sexy childhood for our Bachelorette. Rachel listens and smiles like she’s already having an orgasm. He must have a vibrating dong or something because he is normcore AF.

4) Meet The Fockers

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Rachel meets his family and leans as hard as she can. It feels like she’s the contestant vying for his affections. Agency Rachel, you need it!

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“A toast - to me!”

Olga tells us how special Bryan is and I can’t tell if she’s proud of him or trying to bang him. I worry what that says about me.

Rachel talks to Bryan’s sister, who tells her the last woman Bryan dated left because of his relationship with his mom. I think that’s in the dictionary under ‘red flag.’ Right after ‘speaks about you in a language you don’t know while you are in the room’ and ‘talks only in platitudes.’

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Honestly? None.

Rachel and Olga fail the Bechdel Test have a talk about Bryan. She talks about how her son requires love and patience. Rachel nods and smiles like a puppy waiting for a street meat sandwich.

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“You look impeccable under tungsten light.”

Afterwards Bryan and Rachel sit in the dark. By the light of the HD camera Bryan tells Rachel he’s in love with her. He talks a lot but doesn’t really say anything. The guy is a superhunk but he has the personality of wet bread.

5) Hello Wisconsin!

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Welcome to Madison - The City of Concrete!

Go Badgers! No seriously, get these badgers out of my kitchen!

We’re in Madison, WI to meet Peter’s family. Hope this segment isn’t too cheesy.

Hang on…*answers phone*…okay so that was Funny Or Die on the phone and that last joke was so bad I’m not allowed to write anymore.

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“So our healthcare is YOUR fault?”

We wander the farmer’s market downtown and get a feel for the local Wisconsin flavor. These are the wonderful people that gave America Paul Ryan.

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He knows why he’s here.

Peter and Rachel meet up with his friends in bi-racial relationships. Bi-racionships? They all have a good laugh about how comfortable Peter can be with interracial dating.

In the middle of drinks, Peter asks for guy time with the boys. It doesn’t feel forced OR awkward!

The men fail the Bechdel Test talk about Rachel. Why is Peter on the show and not his friends? I like them more.

6) Pete The Marents

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Oh my God we left the door open all night!

Here we are in College Grove, where colleges are harvested and shipped out to the rest of the country. Peter’s entire family is casually facing the door like you do on a Saturday, waiting for he and Rachel to arrive.

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Peter seems really good with his niece. Even my ovaries tingle and I don’t have any!

Rachel asks his sister if Peter is ready for marriage. She’s like “probably?”

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“Like it? Go to my hair stylist and ask her for the ‘duck’s ass.’”

Peter’s mom, Rachel, and Peter’s mom’s haircut meet in the mom showdown. Rachel asks if Peter is ready for marriage. Lynne says he’s ready for commitment but maybe not proposing. Come on Lynne, Rachel isn’t here to make (boy)friends, she’s here to find the hunksband of her dreams.

Peter’s gonna lose this whole thing just because he’s not gonna give the show a fairytale ending. Listen, Pete, don’t put too much pressure on yourself. Take it from a guy’s who’s been divorced, nothing’s permanent!

*cries into coffee mug shaped like a comic book character*

7) Dean In

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They just used these quads to make your kids want the vehicles for their Bachelorette Action Figure Playset.

Dean and Rachel meet up to ride quads to the middle of nowhere. He’s so pent up about his family that he needs miles of space around him just to open up about them.

Wait. Whose quads are these?

8) Feet The Mockers

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“Maybe if I turtle all the way into my sweater my family won’t see me.”

Dean is terrified to meet his family. Rachel comforts him but this is more of a red alarm than a red flag. I’m starting to understand why she’s had trouble finding love before now.

Dean and Rachel meet Dean’s dad The Love Guru.

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Oops, wrong ABC show starring Mike Myers in-character.

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“This is from the Rick Rubin For Men collection.”

Dean describes Paramroot as a “sikh of some sort.”

Dean wonders where the table is and why everyone is on the ground. After all the tables we saw in Europe it’s a good question.

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Dean’s dad plays a gong and leads everyone in a family nap. Then they all dine on Krusty Brand Imitation Gruel that they grew themselves. Dean “ate before he got there” and leaves his food on the floor.

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“I can’t tell if you’re kidding about this being urine in my glass.”

Dean and his father talk. Paramroot notices a change in Dean-o. He sees how much Dean has accomplished and tears his rotator cuff patting himself on the back about what a great dad he was.

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“Rick Rubin ain’t got shit on me, kid!”

Meanwhile Rachel and Dean’s sister talk about Dean and what a Strong Male Protagonist he is.

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Dean finally tells his dad he felt emotionally abandoned by his dad. His dad’s response is basically “I know you are but what am I.” How rude Dean; your dad let you sit on the good pillows, made you the grueliest dinner, gonged you the sikhest nap, and this is how you repay him?

Afterwards Dean’s dad goes outside and performs the Ceremony of Spitting Water at the Earth.

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“Gross, this isn’t my glass of urine!”

9) Scary Stories To Tell In The Dark

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“If you like the fire you can keep it.”

Rachel and Dean’s dad sit on some old junk by a fire. I can’t tell if the fire was started intentionally or was just already there. Also, why is there a backdrop of the outdoors sitting…outdoors?

Paramroop talks at Rachel for a minute then leaves. Rachel gives the only appropriate reaction: “…thank you?”

Dean professes his love for Rachel and after all this I genuinely feel bad for the guy. His dad is a real piece of work and even *I* didn’t feel welcome in that house. This does not bode well for the Deanie Babies.

10) Bachelormetrics

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“I wrote you a poem Rachel - roses are ceremony, violets are blue. Why are violets blue? Let’s do it.”

It’s rosedown showdown time as Wildcat Chris Harrison returns to break down each of the contestants with Rachel. She reads their stats off the backs of their Bachelorette Trading Cards - genuine rose ceremony rose petals randomly inserted in each box!

The Wildcat asks her what she’s gonna do. I always feel like he’s a breath away from saying “…or you could pick me.”

11) Rose Ceremony

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“Please don’t let Chris Harrison hit on me again.”

Everyone is suited up to hear Rachel’s decision. She has a hard time getting through the feeling of selfishness she feels asking someone to go home tonight. Rachel, if you have a problem being selfish then maybe being on TV isn’t for you.

The first rose goes to Bryan because she’s all about his Miami Heat.

The second rose goes to Eric because she’s all about his Baltimore Raven.

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“Does anyone have Goof Off? I’ve glued my hands together again.”

Wildcat Chris Harrison returns to tell us the last rose on the table is the final rose. How would we ever navigate the rules of this show without the Harr-master?

The final rose goes to Peter because she’s feeling his Milwaukee Buck.

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“I’ve never said ‘thanks Dad’ unsarcastically.”

Now eliminated, Dean stands by and silently blame his dad for this outcome.

Rachel and Dean (and a lot of my female friends) have a painful goodbye even by Bachelor standards. He doesn’t seem like he’s taking this whole thing very well.

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Dean rides off into the night, just another handsome boy in a limousine on a hot Dallas night. Don’t feel bad Dean, you were the youngest guy left and you have a lot of good years ahead of you to fall in love on TV.


We are now down to the final three. Just to recap, a beautiful lawyer is deciding between a chiropractor (fake science), a personal trainer (fake science), and a “business owner” (fake title).

Next week we run screaming from the country once again for the Spanish countryside. We are going to meet Rachel’s family and at some point during dinner Bryan will excuse himself to go to the bathroom. That’s all that moment from the previews will be, “Bachelorette” producers. Don’t think I don’t see the game you’re playing.

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