OK so the other day Taylor Swift bought up all the potential Taylor Swift–based porn sites. Which is fine and all — the early bird gets the worm — but here’s my problem now: What in the world am I supposed to do with all these Taylor Swift nudes?! I have literally hundreds of them.
Now if there’s one thing we know about people who like celebrity nudes, it’s that THEY MOSTLY JUST COME FOR THE URL. The naked pics are cool and all but they definitely take a back seat to like a clear, preferably pun-based web address. But now that T-Swift’s picked ’em all up, I’m sorta left with my dick in my hand. (OK, fine, I absolutely have my dick in my hand. You would too if you had Taylor Swift nudes. Also, please excuse any typos.) Seriously — WHERE AM I SUPPOSED TO HOST THESE?! If I just throw ’em up on Reddit, NO ONE is gonna look at them! They’re just gonna be like, “Um … Reddit … Taylor Swift … I don’t see the connection. Pass.” Again, people only visit nude sites for the url.
I should say right now, before anyone gets the wrong idea, these photos were obtained legally and with Taylor’s full consent. This is not “TheFappening.com” (though that is clearly a good, punny url so I understand why it was so successful.) If you looked at THOSE photos, you’re a monster and you should be forced to give up your own privacy and body in return. The ones in my possession were simply a gift from Taylor. Between mailing out Christmas gifts, paying a girl’s tuition, and inviting people over to her house for a listening party, Taylor has made it very clear she cares about her fans. So I simply sent her a letter being like, “Taylor — I think you’re super, super pretty. Would love if you could send some nudes my way. Don’t worry, I’m 18+.” And she’s such a good person, that’s exactly what she did! I didn’t even enclose a self-addressed stamped envelope! She just personally went on down to the post office to drop ’em off. They came in a nice package with fancy ribbons and beautiful calligraphy. As for the photos themselves — lemme tell you, they are SWEET.
I WANT to share them with you guys. Honestly, I do. But since all the appropriate url’s have been swooped up by Camp Swift, I’m kinda “stuck between my rock hard place.” (Yes, I know that’s not really the phrase but you dirty dogs know what I’m talkin’ about.) And TBQH, I don’t even really know what these urls she bought up ARE. I’m usually very good at thinking of dirty puns but “Taylor Swift” doesn’t really lend itself to any. I mean they’re “Tail-er Swift” but unfortunately these are frontal nudes so that pun doesn’t apply. If these were nudes of like Chynna Phillips or Helen Hunt then YES OF COURSE I have a couple of really good url pun ideas. Taylor, though … I mean what did she even buy? I suppose if we were including her song catalog I can think of a pretty raunchy one for “Shake If Off.” But these aren’t raunchy photos. They’re really classy, artsy ones cause Taylor Swift is amazing.
So, I’m sorry, guys and girls. I know in the comment section you’re gonna suggest just like throwing them on Instagram or Twitter, but I know deep down in your hearts, that’s not what you really want. You want to look at these photos on a clear, concisely titled website and, unfortunately, Taylor has bought all those. But just to show I really do feel bad about this, please accept your second choice in celebrity nudes: the recently released Randy Quaid sex tape. It is extremely NSFANYWHERE.
Owner of Naked Pictures of Taylor Swift
OH!! WELCOME TO NUDE YORK!! THAT’S SORTA ONE! YA STILL GOT IT, BRIAN!