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September 29, 2014
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Please allow 6-8 weeks for your university to mishandle reports of sexual assault.

Following a deluge of allegations that college administrations nationwide have routinely mishandled the reporting and punishment of on-campus sexual assault, prestigious universities including Brown and Columbia are now being investigated by the federal government under Title IX of the Constitution. To help readers understand where the system may have failed the victims of these crimes, reproduced below is the standard form used when a student reports sexual assault at a U.S. college.


CAMPUS INCIDENT REPORT

SECTION 1: So…are you sure you want to report a sexual assault?
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SECTION 2: We mean, are you SURE-sure? Like, 100% sure?
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SECTION 3: You know there’s a whole thing that happens when you report this, right? It’s this really long, drawn-out process…
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SECTION 4: Okay, guess you’re reporting it. But maybe it was consensual, whatever happened, right? Like, maybe it was consensual sexual conduct and you just forgot? Or something?
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SECTION 5: Let’s just table the “consensual” thing for now—it’s going to come up A LOT when we start the ball rolling on this thing, anyway, and probably not in a way you’re going to like.
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SECTION 6: But you don’t want to get actual law enforcement involved, right? Trust us, the administration can TOTALLY handle this sexual assault case. We don’t need the real police to come or anything.
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SECTION 7: All right, we’ll drag the cops in here, your highness, even though we can easily take care of this whole thing internally. By the way, be prepared to answer Sections 1-5 all over again when they get here.
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SECTION 8: Describe in your own words what happened, but try not to be too mean or gross about it or anything:
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SECTION 9: Okay, all set! Oh, and just so you know, your alleged attacker will probably remain on campus while this is being investigated, and if we do find anything, we’ll just make him write a short essay about what he did. Because, you know, we wouldn’t want to do anything traumatic to anyone that would ruin their life, right? What kind of animal would do that? Sign below:

SIGNATURE/DATE ______________________________

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