Obama Urges ISIS to Remember True Meaning of Christmas
In a perturbing Oval Office address to the nation Sunday Dec. 6th, a somber President Obama urged members of the Islamic terrorist group ISIS to bear in mind the “true meaning of Christmas.” While PO-PO-POTUS’ message was intended to reinforce the more humane themes of good will toward men and peace on earth, there are many who were shocked Obama would so blatantly assert the views of Christianity upon a people who practice a different religion.
Following the address, a rift in opinion emerged between those who support and those who condemn Obama’s holiday spirit. A woman who chose to give her name as “the year 1950,” stated,
“I think he’s right. We need to reinstate stronger family values. We need to preach equality. 65 years ago there was structure, there was stability. Things are unraveling, they’re breaking. Christmas ham is as American as Thanksgiving turkey and everyone deserves a piece of the pie cooling on the windowsill.”
While some citizens were enraged at Obama’s peculiar ignorance, others were merely baffled. Thelonious d’Apostrophe of Secaucus, New Jersey has stated, “He…he knows not everyone celebrates Christmas, right?”
When confronted with a barrage of questions from the media following the address, Obama’s furrowed brow betrayed whatever feigned naiveté he could muster.
“What do you mean? That’s ridiculous.Then why do our nation’s students call it “Christmas break?”
While Obama may have fumbled his message and possibly exacerbated the religious conflict in the middle east, he remained passionate about his sentiment.
“Listen, uh, I’m just a regular guy. I wake up, I put my pants on one leg at a time like I’m sure, uh, all the folks in Syria do…and that’s what this is about. We’re not all that different. We’re all human, regardless of race, religion political leaning, sexual orientation.We’ve all got the same emotions bubbling inside of us, don’t we? Santa Clause doesn’t discriminate. He knows when you are sleeping. He knows when you’re awake and he knows when you’re purchasing firearms. Listen…no one wants this anger. Hate never brought about a better world. And I’ll be gosh darned if anyone likes tripping over their jeans as they fiddle their leg into their pants.”
Obama ended his Q&A session short following his impassioned rationalization, as he was late to his annual Ugly Sweater Christmas party at Camp David.