Full Credits

Stats & Data

August 03, 2010

John Tesh answers some fan mail.

Dear John Tesh,

I just want to say that I love your radio show and never miss it. I started listening just over a year ago and I learned so much from you about how to be germ-free. I follow every suggestion you have made on your show and I now live in a plastic bubble and never leave my home.

Tony Ellison

Dear Tony,

It's really the only safe way. God bless.

John Tesh

Dear John Tesh,

My name is Richard Meyers. I'm from wisconsin, 54 years old, and I recently started working at a place that makes fire hydrants and the people there make quite a sport of me. For a while they would put something different in my lunchbox everyday. Once it was a Steve Urkel doll from the show Family Matters. I lost my temper and yelled, "Who put this goddamn Urkel in my lunch box?" and they all just laughed.

Now I'll be sitting there eating my lunch and they'll just come up and take food off of my plate. I would love to beat the hell out of them but I'm an old man. What should I do? Help me John Tesh, you're my only hope.

Richard Meyers

Dear Richard,

The best thing to do is something I've been doing since grade school. When you sit down to eat your lunch, take you sandwich in your hand and make sure everybody is watching and touch yourself in the privates. Then say, "Who wants my sandwich now?" It works. I do it with everything I own.

John Tesh

Dear John Tesh,

I am 45 years old and I still live at home with my parents in their basement where I collect medieval weapons and at least four nights a week, I shit the bed. Am I a loser?

Melvin Schmidt

Dear Melvin,

Of course not. Do what makes you happy. And I too shit the bed now and then. If anybody says they dont, they're lying. It's scientifically proven.

For more info, check this support group out:

John Tesh

Dear John Tesh,

Just want to say I'm your number one fan. I have learned so much from listening to you show and you are an inspiration.

When your sextape came out last year, like many I was shocked, and when I saw it I thought, great, there's one more thing John Tesh is better at than I. But I think the way you handled the whole situation, embracing the tape and distributing it on your website, is a lesson in itself.

A few questions.

What is the funniest porno you've ever seen?

What is the most disgusting one you've seen?

Is the sequel to your sextape ever coming out?

Jenny Bledslow

Dear Jenny,

Thanks so much. It's fans like you that keep me going everyday.

First, the funniest porno I've ever seen was this video of a really pretty brunette girl, sitting in an empty jacuzi while about eight different girls stood around her masturbating, squirting all over her until she was soaking wet. The whole thing was shot with one camera and seemingly one take. It was like the "Children of Men" of porno. So after about fifteen minutes everybody and everything is drenched with squirt. The girls take turns squatting over her face and unloading the clear vaginal liquid like a super-soaker. Then this one girl, who isn't squatted directly over her face, thank god, but off beside her because her aim is unprecedented, she starts really getting into it and rubbing her clit and then decides to slip a finger into the anus and when she does a small, mini Three Musketeers bar sized piece of fecal matter falls out and she quickly picks it up and throws it out of frame. You should have seen the look on the other girls' faces. They could have just edited it out, but the director stayed true to his vision and left it in and I think the humor of what happened mixed with the sadness in the jacuzi girl's eyes, was a great juxtaposition, almost like a James L. Brooks film.

The most disgusting porno I ever saw was the Tonya Harding sextape. I can't even talk about it.

My sequel is coming soon I promise. I've been editing it for six months now and It's almost exactly where it needs to be. What can I say? I'm a perfectionist. I've always said there were two things I'm good at making: Music and sex. So this time around I have composed an entirely original score. When you guys get a load of this thing, no pun intended, you're gonna be blown away, pun intended.

Stay tuned to my radio show to learn more about an upcoming contest to have a cameo in my future adult projects.

John Tesh