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Stats & Data

December 20, 2012

Brian writes monologue jokes every day. “This is one of those days,” to misquote Fred Durst. You can find more at http://brianunderstands.tumblr.com and tell him he’s a muffin on Twitter @BrianLisi. Thank you.

In a speech on Wednesday, President Obama said, “Using a gun and using common sense are not incompatible ideas.” For example: It's common sense that you'd spend hours in a forest looking for food that you could buy at a supermarket.

Additionally, Obama appointed Joe Biden to lead a team that will develop a strategy to combat gun violence. "Lock and load!" said Biden, adding, "Ka-chunk! Pow!"

The FBI is offering $50,000 for information leading to the arrest of prisoners who broke out of a Chicago prison. Or as it's known to people in Chicago, "Chicago."

South Korea has elected its first female president. Making this one instance where North Korea was more progressive.

MTA Chairman Joseph Lhota is resigning in order to run for mayor of New York City. He left an awkwardly placed, hard-to-understand sign to notify his fellow employees.

Scientists have discovered a potentially Earth-like planet just 12 light years away. Making it possible that scientists there think they've discovered a potentially Awesomehitler-like planet.

A new report says a majority of U.S. states are unprepared for most types of major disasters. Case in point: "The Hobbit."

The report goes on to cite Kansas and Montana as the least prepared states. On the other hand, they are also the two states least likely to notice a disaster happened.

More than 2,100 sex offenders were kicked off online gaming platforms this week. Good, because you don't want sex offenders wasting their time playing videogames.

Researchers have discovered a whale thought to have gone extinct 2 million years ago. Said Chris Christie, "That's an interesting story. I'm glad I learned about that. Thanks."

The number of journalists imprisoned worldwide set a new record in 2012. But it couldn't be too bad since we all heard about it.