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Published August 29, 2011
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Anthony Bourdain seems like an asshole. I’m not judging here, most of my best friends are assholes. There are two fail-safe ways to spot an asshole: first, anyone that freely brands themselves as “unapologetic,” just a hilarious asshole. Oh thanks for the note, I guess I won’t expect you to pull any punches either you trailblazing cliché you. The other way you can pick out an asshole is by how low hanging the fruit is that they’re going after. Recently Anthony Bourdain had the “courage,” to take on Paula Deen. The lowest of the low hanging (because she’s the fattest. Check please!) fruit.*

Here’s what the asshole said to TV Guide.com about Paula Deen: “Her food sucks." OH SNAP! Slow it down Bourdain; the internet is a family place. America is going to keep making casseroles, get over it. I suspect Bourdain is really just angry with Deen for dispelling the myth that cooking is all that hard. It isn’t. Add butter. Bam. Case closed. Bourdain goes on to say, "I would think twice before telling an already obese nation that it is OK to eat food that is killing us.” Whoaaaaaaa whoa buddy, don’t you SMOKE ON TELEVISION?! You got some nerve pal. Paula may be telling America that they can continue eating as shitty as they like with the only consequence being that they will grow into beautifully plump silver foxes, but Bourdain is perpetuating this myth that you can angrily smoke cigarettes, travel and be “cool” well into your 60s, all while (debatably) pulling off an earring.  Unfortunately for Bourdain America is one giant glass house. I hope he appreciates the irony of acting so morally superior when his show “No Reservations,” is a success, simply because America thinks other cultures are gross, and it’s fun to squirm and giggle at the horrifying things other cultures actually eat while JAMMING lite-Dreyer’s ice cream into our faces. Paula makes her money giving America comfort food, and Bourdain makes America comfortable by pointing out that while America may be fat, at least they’re not eating bull-dick.

Bourdain however has a knack for theatrics, which admittedly is fun. He also said about Deen: "(She is) the worst, most dangerous person to America. She revels in unholy connections with evil corporations, and she's proud of the fact that her food is f---ing bad for you." Yikes, that’s scandalous. What Bourdain needs to understand here is that there will be consequences for his actions. Look at how connected Paula Deen is, Bourdain goes after her in the TV Guide (this exists, still?) and Deen comes back at him on FOX News. What do you think is happening here my man? She is connected bro, CIA connected. Paula just has to wave her mayonnaise stick in the air and all that’ll be left of Bourdain is some horrible leather jacket. It wouldn’t be hard either, all those exciting third world countries. Accidents happen my man. Not to mention again that stupid cigarette … have you not seen Band Of Brothers?! (If not check this one out, a guy gets stabbed to death and it is BRUTAL) Deen’s snipers are going to see that amber glow of your stupid cigarette, and that’s it. The fat lady has sung.

Bourdain did finally acknowledge his comment on twitter of all places: "Resolved: Next time I'm asked (for the millionth time) who the worst cooks on Food Network are, I'll just shut up. Who cares?" Apology not accepted Mr. Bourdain. Get off your high horse, asshole; you’re just The Travel Channel’s man version of Samantha Brown (whom I love!).

 follow me on twitter @pauldanke

*See, I used a food metaphor since they’re famous for food! 

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