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May 14, 2012

Brian writes monologue jokes every day. This is one of those days. He may or may not be incarcerated. You can find more at http://brianunderstands.tumblr.com and tell him he’s a muffin on Twitter @BrianLisi. Thank you.

Ron Paul supporters booed Mitt Romney's son at yesterday's Arizona Republican Party convention. Mitt Romney said he didn't understand why anyone would bully his son since it's not like he has a gay haircut.

Discussing Obama's new position on gay marriage, Sen. Rand Paul told an audience, "Call me cynical, but I didn't think his views on marriage could be any gayer." Said the audience, "Aww, isn't it bad enough we have to call you 'senator'?"

In related news, Newsweek's latest issue features a picture of Obama and the title: "The First Gay President." "Not so fast," said James Garfield.

The Dalai Llama revealed that he's most afraid of being eaten by a shark. In general though, he's afraid of anything that would make the greatest headline ever.

The Dalai Llama also said China plotted to have agents dress up like female Buddhists and poison him. Fortunately China failed once again to remember his seductive prowess.

"The Avengers" officially made more than $1 billion at the box office. In addition, it also beat out "Tim Burton Can't Love Johnny Depp More 7."

JetBlue kicked an 18-month-old off a flight because her name allegedly appeared on the no-fly list, though the TSA says her name wasn't flagged. But just to be safe, a TSA agent stripsearched her.

In northern Mexico today, 49 bodies were left on a highway, most likely by a drug cartel. Either that or someone really doesn't know what constitutes a good Mother's Day gift.

In Florida, a woman was sentenced to 20 years for firing a warning shot at her abusive husband. Because for the state's Stand Your Ground law to work, you have to actually kill someone.

Interestingly, Angela Corey, the prosecutor leading the Trayvon Martin case, is who argued for the 20-year sentence because the gun could have injured the woman's two children. Making this the first time in state history Florida decided on its own to protect black children.

Mitt Romney recently spoke at Liberty University, which says that Mormonism is a cult. The speech went pretty smoothly, particularly when Romney said Mormonism is a cult.

In response to California's $16 billion budgetary shortfall, Gov. Jerry Brown said, "We can’t fill this hole with cuts alone.” At which point he made eye contact with some immigrants.