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Written by Longbrothers
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Published November 25, 2008
WASHINGTON:  President Bush today cited a late November surge in turkey sales as proof that his economic policies are working.  Speaking before a small handful of aides who are literally the only people who give even the remotest shit what he says anymore, the President praised what he termed “the hard work of the giant, international turkey bird makers whose machines slit the throats and inject the chemicals that add buttery flavor to the penned-up gobblers”.

Bush further stated that while he remains “optimistic” both cranberries and pie crusts will outperform expectations through fiscal year 2012, he intends to issue a presidential directive allowing for cutting the tops off all mountains and dumping the toxic sludge into the nearest fresh water stream.
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