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August 20, 2012

Brian writes monologue jokes every day. “This is one of those days,” to misquote Fred Durst. You can find more at http://brianunderstands.tumblr.com and tell him he’s a muffin on Twitter @BrianLisi. Thank you.

Missouri Senate candidate Rep. Todd Akin recently said, "If it’s a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down." So to both rapists and rape victims, Todd Akin says, "Hey, you might not be doing it right."

Akin later tweeted, "To be clear, all of us understand that rape can result in pregnancy." However, Akin refuses to acknowledge that blood brother Jerry Grevens is not his actual brother.

In North Korea, Kim Jong-un overturned a 20-year-old rule that banned women from riding bicycles. Kim Jong-un finally saying that it doesn't matter who delivers his food as long as he gets it quickly.

In other North Korea news, Kim Jong-un told his country's military to prepare for a "sacred war." Putting America, South Korea, and Subway footlongs on high alert.

GM issued a recall for 250,000 SUVs. "We apologize deeply to our loyal customers for this inconvenience," said Obama.

Mitt Romney will reportedly release his 2011 tax return by October 15. It's his way of pre-celebrating his return to being a rich white guy not involved in politics.

The trailer for Arnold Schwarzenegger's return to action movies came out this week. But if his last starring role is any evidence, expect the movie's economy to be run into the ground.

Julian Assange wrote a letter to Barack Obama and the U.S. government asking them to "renounce its witch hunt against Wikileaks." At the very least, there's going to be a great Oscar-nominated movie about it in 10 years.

Apparently some Republican lawmakers and staff swam in Israel's Sea of Galilee while partially clothed and one was completely naked. Everyone else remained pretty conservative.

Madonna says she's protesting Russia giving the band Pussy Riot two years in prison for "hooliganism." Apparently even Madonna's youngest daughter is calling for their release.

Speaking in Florida about Medicare, Paul Ryan said, "It's not just a program. It's what my mom relies on." Adding, "That's what makes it such a bad program."