The Ex: Body Parts
Most people want to keep their body parts; most peopleshudder at the thought of surgery. Some people like to remove and replaceparts, teeth, boobs, livers, kidneys, and there are thousands of people thatget Botox injections in an effort remain younger looking. Not my ex, if shecould get it pulled, cut or removed that’s what she did. She also had a nastyhabit of self-diagnosing, and shelf prescribing.
When we first meet she had all of her parts, wasrelatively thin, I guess it depends on your relative. Over time, as the familygrew, so did she. In fact, she doubled in size, well more than doubled. In thebeginning, if she could be believed, Donna weighed in at 120 lbs; twenty-eightyears later she weighed a whopping 285llb. The cows, chicken, fish, and Reese’sPeanut Butter cups that gave their lives is beyond belief.
I remember my first encounter with her removalfascination. It was shortly after we were married. Donna started complaining,and in reality never stopped, about a toothache. Again, most people might get Ambersol,or some similar product, then if that failed go see the dentist to get thetooth fixed. Not Donna McMurry, hell no.
Between sitting on the couch eating peanut M & M’sand drinking Kool Aid, and talking to her family on the phone, she had no time forthe normal course of action, such as brushing her teeth.
“My tooth hurts.”
“Did you take anything?”
“No that’s a waste of time.”
“Oh. So you called the dentist?”
“Ok. He going to fill it?”
“No that’s a waste of time.”
“Huh? Then why you are going?”
“To get it pulled?”
“No one can see it, besides they’ll all come outeventually.”
And so it started. At last count she had six teethremoved. Of course, I thought tooth removal was easy. I didn’t realize if you whined enough to thedoctor you could get most anything removed. Shortly after our second child wasborn, she decided that she needed a hysterectomy. Ok, I’m a guy, and I admit tobe clueless on most women’s health issues, but to have a hysterectomy, so you stophaving your period seems a little extreme.
A few years later she was having stomach problems. Ibelieve the problem was she was eating anything that didn’t move, but again,I’m not a doctor. She determined the best solution to her stomach and internal cleansingproblem was to have her gall bladder removed. And guess what? Out it came. Withher and her medical issues I often felt I was in a Monty Python movie.
Then came the diabetes. Medicine’s gift to a fat pig.Her “sugar’ was always low. This was countered with chocolate bars, ice cream,candy by the fistfuls, and whatever else she deemed a quick fix to get her“sugar” up. There were times I would come home at night, and the living roomwould look like a heroin den with a marijuana chaser. Needles were strewnacross the floor, little insulin bottles jammed between the couch cushions,pizza boxes, chip bags, and cheddar popcorn pieces created a creepy mosaicpaper carpet. Her shirt attempted tofilter much of the food, but the crumbs rolled down her lumpy body like waterdown the falls.
One sight that I will never forget is my poor littledog, Pugsley, trying to jump up on Donna’s lap. He would jump up, hit fat, andslide back down. Each attempt was greeted by Donna, trying to grab the poorpooch, but her arms were too short to reach the sliding dog.
The big fat one wouldlaugh and say, “I ain’t got no lap.” It was almost as if she was proud of thatfact. Of course, when your naked body resembles a melting candle. I supposethere are times a certain clarity breaks through your delusional mind. Youeither have a vivid imagination, or are delusional if you think a size 24 Moo Moomakes you look like a size eight.
Here’s another conversational snippet,
“Do these shoes match?” she asked.
“The outfit or each other?” I answered.
Perhaps the most bizarre remedy that Donna created was,well it is pretty gross … Let’s say she had some strange vaginal leakageissue, as well as some other yeasty type problems. I’m not saying it was bad,but at times it would look like a snail traveled across the floor, and, atothers, you could hear the sounds of Luigi spinning pizza crust in Donna’sPizzeria on V Street. Her solution to the problem was to put Tinactin on hervagina.
You can actually read about it in the American Journal ofMedicine. She had the first recorded case of Athlete’s Vagina.