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May 20, 2011

Are you Rapture ready? You might think you are, but double check this list.

As always, it's last minute preparations for me.  Driving down the road just this week, I noticed a billboard indicating that the Rapture was happening this Saturday, May 21st, and as usual, I have nothing to wear!  For some reason my mind must have been on the Mayan Calendar, and I thought I had a whole entire year to prepare for the end of days.  Turns out, I've got to pull it together in just a few days.

So I've done some brief and haphazard research into the Rapture, including taking statements made by Facebook friends and Twitter followers too.  Based on my limited and unverified information I've pulled together a list for exactly how to Rapture (Domestic Diva Style).

1. What to wear? What to wear?

I posted this on Facebook and asked if it was too formal. Apparently, it's WAY too formal for a Rapture.

So what exactly does one wear to a Rapture? When I sat down and thought about it, I came up with something a little dressier than Sunday-Best, but not quite formal. When I posed the question on Facebook & Twitter many of you came up with some great ideas too. Only problem is that several more knowledgeable Rapture friends informed me that if you're going to be part of the Rapture, you are going out the same way you come into the world-nude.  WTF?  Now, I'm not sure I want to go.

2. Prune the Hedges


Rapturing is a very revealing event. Don't be caught unkempt.


Okay, settle down.  I know I just dropped a bomb on you. If you Rapture, you'll be naked, and as far as I can tell, it would be inappropriate to ask Jesus to turn out the lights.  This is, after all, supposed to be an enlightening experience.  So if you're forced to Rapture in the nude, at least make sure you shave or wax.  Personally, I'm thinking of waxing my area into the shape of a cross. Nothing says "I'm Rapture-worthy" quite like pubic hair carefully sculpted into the shape of a holy relic.

3.  It's all about the accessories.


Jesus approved footwear, it's a must


I've been meticulously searching through ancient text trying to find out if we have to Rapture in the nude, can we at least accessorize? Okay, I didn't really, but I did Google it and didn't find an answer.  I'm thinking an Easter Lily in my hair, perhaps some nice classic pearl earrings and matching necklace and I'll feel a bit more presentable.  And this will be the only time, if shoes are allowed, I'd say I'd wear the Gladiator style sandals (that I loathe).  I need to appear as Christ-like as possible, and I'm hoping my footwear will help aide that illusion persona.

4. Don't show up empty handed


It's a party! I'm bringing cake! Picture from CakePictureGallery.com


The Rapture is essentially all the worthy and chosen souls being sucked up to heaven before God unleashes a shit-storm of fury and wrath back down on Earth on all the heathens.  The chosen will be partying it up in heaven, and I'd never be caught dead showing up empty handed to a par-tay.  In this case I think I'd again go with a holy shape, the cross, in the form of a cake. It'll be difficult to coordinate who's bringing what with so many people, but I think JC will be taking care of the bread, fish and wine (holla!), and I figure even if others bring cake too, can you really ever have too much cake? I think not.

5. Don't forget to R.S.V.P.


"In the midnight hour, I can feel your power...just like a prayer, you know I'll take you there"

Okay, okay I know that chances are, I did not receive an invitation to the Rapture. I am a little irritated though because my husband got a letter in the mail from Jesus warning him of the upcoming end of days.  What am I? Chopped liver?  13 years of Catholic School and I couldn't get a postcard, text, email, or something? Apparently, there is only a select (and rather small) chosen few. However, with all the symbolism in the Bible, perhaps there really isn't a set number. Also, what if you can repent and be saved? Even though there's a lot of "fire and brimstone" talk in Revelations, maybe God will be in a forgiving mood. So basically I've got less than 48 hours to R.S.V.P. and let God know I want in. Can it be done? Probably not, but it's worth a try.

6. Be ready to meet your maker

Apparently, the end of days doesn't happen right away, but shortly after the Rapture.  We have a little time, so if your holy friends get sucked up into heaven and you're left on Earth in the nude, with trimmed pubes, fabulously stylish shoes, and holding a cake, worry not!  The rest of us will have a post-Rapture party, try to repent, and hope that when Christ has a second coming, he has a sense of humor.  I like to think he will, and I hope the Bible's got it wrong.  Like maybe instead of unleashing a fury upon those left behind, he says, "Just kidding! You all just got punked!"  Seriously, I'm hoping to meet this Jesus:


Buddy Christ