My fellow Americans, I am so gratified by the flood of support I received this week as I announced that I am running for president in 2016. I cannot wait to serve the American people in the Oval Office.
I am gratified that the American people have responded so maturely to the first serious female candidate for president. There have been no condescending think pieces about my hair, no hot takes on what my menstrual cycle will mean for foreign policy, and absolutely no stupid jokes clumsily mashing together the concepts of “president” and “woman.”
That is why I am thrilled to announce that I am also pregnant.
Yes, Bill and I are happy to say that after days of trying, we are expecting another baby. Our 35-year-old daughter Chelsea is excited to be a big sister, and I am overjoyed to be not just the first major female candidate for president, but also the first pregnant candidate.
I cannot wait to travel this great nation, connecting with voters and listening to your concerns, as this baby grows in my 67-year-old womb. Of course due to my age, this is considered a high risk pregnancy, so I will be on bed rest for the duration. But I do not expect that to be a problem. I have a bed with wheels and four strong women to push it, and I am sure that supporters will not mind if my many rallies and public appearances need to be cut short because I am nauseous. The four strong women who push my bed are also pregnant.
I do not expect that this pregnancy will negatively impact my campaign. Nor will the 10 pregnancies I plan to have during my eight years as president. They’ll be back to back. The math checks out.
Oh man, I had some crazy hormone swings when I was pregnant with Chelsea! Imagine what that’ll be like when I have bombs.
Is a pregnant president (a pregsident) a problem? I don’t believe so, but of course, that will be for the American people to decide. And I will make sure they will have plenty of information about my changing, fertile body along the way, including nausea, hormone shifts, changes in appetite and bowel movements, our decision about circumcision if we have a boy (Bill wants to circumcise him, I want to give him up for adoption), and my position on climate change.
Sure, it’ll be hard sometimes. I’ll probably be like, “Ugh, pregnancy is so uncomfortable! I’m going to pass a law requiring mandatory universal abortions! I’m the president so I can do that!” But what pregnant president hasn’t said that?
I’m proud to tell you that during my pregnancy, I will also continue to menstruate and go through menopause.
I hope America shares the joy Bill and I feel about our growing family. We feel so blessed to welcome this child, and grateful that the 37 abortions I had during our marriage did not negatively impact our fertility.
I look forward to serving all Americans when I am pregsident, during the brief windows when I am not on maternity leave. Thank you, and may God bless America.