1) Nick At Night
We did it, you guys! The writers are clearly reading my (poorly written and also terrible) articles because they finally made Zombie Bonnaroo a real thing! I’m not sure you’re going to find any heroin in these tents, Nick. Maybe some mushrooms? If Zombie Bonnaroo is anything like actual Bonnaroo, you can definitely score some mushrooms in one of those tents. Wait. Why is Nick here? Just felt like going for a naked night swim? What the fuck is actually happening right now? Quick! The audience is asking too many reasonable questions! Time to smear blood all over your face.
How many shirts will Nick ruin this season? My money is on all of them. Every single one. A bird’s gotta fly; Nick has to ruin poorly fitting clothes. You can’t stop him — it’s like telling the stars not to shine.
2) Chris Is Blowing It With One Of The Last Women On Earth
Chris. Buddy. Broooooo. You’re talking to one of the last remaining women alive and you are MAJORLY BLOWING IT RIGHT NOW IN EVERY CONCEIVABLE WAY. Talking about your completely not made up girlfriend who definitely exists but she lives in another town and you certainly don’t know her but she’s very real. So believable! WHAT’S HER HAIR COLOR, CHRIS? IF SHE IS SO REAL THEN SHE MUST HAVE HAIR. WHAT IS THE COLOR OF HER HAIR, CHRIS? Yeah, that’s what I thought. And then when Ofelia lobs the biggest softball of all time, that she went to Catholic school and made a lot of bad decisions, Chris just sits there frozen like an old computer with too many tabs open. ASK HER ABOUT THE BAD DECISIONS, CHRIS!!! PRETTY SURE SHE’S NOT TALKING ABOUT SEEING MONKEYBONE IN THEATERS. How hard is your job?!?
3) The Worst Line Of Defense
Further evidence that Chris is the worst. He has his gun drawn, but doesn’t shoot these people who are most certainly bad news. Even worse, he doesn’t hold them at gunpoint. Just raises his gun when they’re too far to see it then tucks it away back in his pants that he surely refers to as his “big boy pants” whenever he’s around Ofelia in an effort to impress her. Not sure your plan is having its desired effect, dude! Also, way to remove the clip from Strand’s machine gun, Salazar! This strategy to not trust the one guy who has consistently been keeping you alive is really paying off. Everyone on this show makes great choices all the time.
4) They Should Do Stuff From LOST More Often
I liked this LOST style flashback (right down to strangers drinking together at a hotel bar watching the news, feel like roughly 90% of LOST flashbacks involved this) to let us know about Strand’s backstory. LOST was a pretty good show and if this show wants to do LOST stuff more often, that’s totally cool with me. Speaking of cool, does anyone want to volunteer to carry me back to my room when I’m drunk and remove my jacket and shoes and put a water bottle next to my bed? Because that’s pretty much the coolest. Can’t tell you how many times I’ve woken up on my couch wearing all of that shit with half a beer in front of me and no water in sight. I could seriously use this service. You can steal my credit cards while you’re at it, I don’t give a shit. My credit card has been stolen twice so far this year and neither occasion came with any of these nighttime niceties.
5) Cute! They’re Having Their First Fight
New relationships can be tough and it’s stressful to know your first fight is looming around the corner! And it’s always over some dumb shit like he lied to you over oceanic radio and now he’s holding everyone on your yacht hostage and his friend shot at your captain as he tried to get away on a rowboat. Stop being so petty and just enjoy the fact that the universe brought you two together! Wait, he already met your dad and you met his best friend who is kind of an asshole? AND YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT MOVING IN TOGETHER??? This is moving really fast! Pump the zombie brakes, ask each other about your favorite pizza toppings and movie candy. There might be some major deal breakers in play and you’re never going to know unless you ask!
6) Enter The 36 Thousand Dollars
Thirty-six thousand dollars. Thirty-six. Thousand dollars. Damn, Strand! You just racked up THIRTY-SIX THOUSAND DOLLARS of credit card debt and this guy somehow didn’t murder you. He actually gave you a new job? I stopped being friends with my best friend Dan a year ago because he owed me $30 and bought a new PS4.
Strand! You were remembering so hard that you dropped your satellite phone in the ocean! Bummer. Next time don’t remember so hard! Oh well, I’m sure you can get a new satellite phone real soon. Those things are super plentiful these zombie days.
7) Hero Dad Is Now A Boat Hotwiring Expert
Hero Dad has broadened his field of expertise from scuba diver and yacht repairman to now include master yacht hot wire guy. Is this a thing? Hotwiring yachts? I honestly don’t know enough about yachts or hotwiring to weigh in, although that’s never stopped me before. And I thought he was just buying time to save his son’s life (juice definitely not worth the squeeze on that one as far as I’m concerned) but, NOPE, he ACTUALLY HOTWIRES A YACHT. Guess I missed the episode where Nick rescues a “Hotwiring Yachts For Dumb Dumbs” book from a boat that was on fire and filled with zombies. And just to rewind a bit, can we take a moment to appreciate that Hero Dad actually said, “Come on,” to reason with one of the pirates when he had a gun to Chris’ head. Come on. Guess he’s a master negotiator also! “Come on” isn’t what you say to a guy with a gun. It’s what you say to the Domino’s guy on the phone when he tells you your house is half a mile out of their delivery range. Come on, Domino’s guy! It’s just an extra half mile and we’ll tip generously! WHY MUST YOU ALWAYS MAKE ME DO THIS SONG AND DANCE WHEN I WANT SOME PIZZA AND WINGS ON A SUNDAY. THIS IS YOUR ONE POINT OF HUMAN CONTROL AND LEVERAGE BECAUSE YOU WORK AT FUCKING DOMINO’S AND YOU FEEL THE NEED TO FLEX ON ME EVERY SINGLE TIME EVEN THOUGH YOU EVENTUALLY AGREE TO DELIVER TO ME. I WISH I KNEW HOW TO QUIT YOU. I guess we all experience the love (and pizza delivery) we think we deserve.
8) Balling On These Zombies
Hell yeah, Nick. When life hands you basketballs, you ball on these zombies. BREAK THOSE ZOMBIE ANKLES, NICK. LET THEM KNOW THIS GAME IS NOT A GAME TO YOU. Except there are no zombie ankles or zombies in general anywhere. You smeared walker guts all over your face and clothes to protect yourself from zero zombies, great call.
I don’t know about YOU ZOMBIE FOLKS, but when a stranger shows up to my doorstep covered in blood I am instantly put at ease when he pulls a gross bloody note out of his pocket. No further questions required! Right this way to my luxury vehicle!
And he CARES ABOUT THE INTERIOR OF HIS CAR STILL! I respect it, even if it is very dumb and also stupid. I would be more concerned with the fact that Nick smells like death. I don’t give a damn about the interior, just please for the love of god take a shower so I don’t throw up all over the steering wheel as we’re backing out.
9) HOLY SHIT. NICK IS FINALLY WEARING A SHIRT THAT FITS AND ISN’T (YET) COVERED IN BLOOD.
Holy shit, you guys. Truly a moment that has been a season and change in the making. Nick is finally wearing a shirt that fits and also looks good and isn’t yet covered in someone else’s blood. Is Shirt That Fits my new favorite character? You know it. Shirt That Fits is just … so … what’s the word I’m looking for? Boldcompellingandalsodynamic. That’s the one. Can’t wait to see the zany circumstances that will result in Shirt That Fits being covered in someone else’s blood. “Nick, lunch is ready!” “I’m not taking any chances, Salazar. I’m going to cover myself head to toe in blood before we eat just to be safe. Eel sandwiches again? Ugh, we HAD EEL SANDWICHES YESTERDAY! This yacht sucks! There’s not even any heroin.”
10) You Yachta Be Kidding Me
Gonna skip right past the fact that this Connor guy apparently managed to start a subservient maritime community of captives 10 seconds into this thing, complete with head bags and hand ties. Because whatever. If I discussed every stupid thing on this show we’d be here all day. Let’s move right on to the part where this new dude just shot two moving targets while he was on a moving boat? Is that even possible? Damn! NEW DARYL ALERT! But way more hilarious to me is the reveal that Strand has apparently been 10 feet from the boat this whole time.
How did nobody see Strand? You think at least one person would’ve seen him hanging out right there! I guess remembering stuff super hard makes you invisible! Join us next week! Will Chris ever hook up with Ofelia? It’s going to take more than talking about his made up girlfriend to seal that deal. Will Hero Dad and Alicia start a happy new life with Connor where they watch Real Housewives Of The Zombie Apocalypse together on Thursdays and drink white wine? It seems reasonable enough. Will I continue to read all the comments you post (including the ones where you say I don’t read the comments even though I do) everywhere? Yep! Will some of those comments ask why I don’t write about EVERY FUCKING THING on this show? Sure! There are always a few of those. Just let me live my zombie life! NONE OF THIS AND MORE on S02E05 of Fear The Walking Dead!