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Stats & Data

January 10, 2017

1) Cereal doesn't care about what you do with your body

Cereal. What can we say about it? So many things. Everything. From the energy it gives us to the time it saves us, there isn’t anything we can do to repay cereal for what it’s done for us. That’s why it’s not surprising that you may feel fonder for your bowl of cereal than for our next president. No, you’re not crazy. You’re just a cereal-loving human being. Below are 7 reasons to help you understand why you’re feeling this way.

1) Cereal doesn’t abuse its power
Unlike the current PEOTUS, your nutritious bowl of cereal knows its responsibility is to serve the people. Whether dry or with milk, the only executive order your cereal wants to give is the command for you to have an active, healthy day.

2) Cereal doesn’t tweet stupid shit
Some people prefer Frosted Flakes, others prefer Cheerios. My grandpa prefers Fiber One. But all cereal lovers agree on one thing: some tweets are better left un-tweeted. Especially if those tweets come from the future president. The numbers don’t lie, your Fruity Pebbles will never threaten your first amendment rights.


3) Cereal probably makes Meryl Streep’s life better
Just taking a stab in the dark here, but it’s hard to think that cereal somehow made Meryl’s life worse. Like if I was with her right now I’d ask, “What do you like more: Donald Trump or the marshmallows from Lucky Charms?” and we know what she’d say because THEY ARE FUCKING DELICIOUS.

4) Cereal goes well with news
Cereal is notoriously known for pairing well with a morning read. Think about how many times your parents have sat down at your breakfast table with a newspaper. Now think about how many times you’ve seen Donald Trump at your breakfast table with a newspaper. Exactly. Unlike the next president, cereal loves the press (and won’t put journalists in jail).


5) Cereal is a great way to start the morning
Cereal is perfect for an active lifestyle. When have you ever heard that Donald Trump is “part of a balanced breakfast?” Score one point for cereal. There’s no better way to face the day than with breakfast. In fact, I highly recommend it above turning on the TV to see who Trump is bullying on any given day.


6) Cereal doesn’t have access to the nuclear codes
Huge, if true.

7) Cereal is much, much sweeter
There’s a lot of sweetness in your bowl of cereal. Trump is mostly made up of insecurities, overconfidence, and probably a lot of drafted tweets about Jeb Bush. At least we’ll always have cereal!


“All of the women on The Apprentice flirted with me - consciously or unconsciously. That’s to be expected.”

— Donald Trump

Buy cereal here
Buy tissues because you’re sad for our future here