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Published September 01, 2012

My Resume for the Last Minute

August 12, 2012 — 12:42–12:43 p.m.

Objective: Any position that justifies my existence for the last minute.

12:42

:02–:04

Fleeting doubts

Resulted in entry to middle management program at Why Bother Industries. Duties include Excel spreadsheet skills in the midst of us turning to dust.

:04–:07

Nose scratching

Epidermal consultant to a non animal testing facial functions industry.

:07–:13

Belch Management program participation at Prestigious University. In other words I burped while checking out something on the University of Chicago website.

12:42:13-12:42:22

I yawned. Translation: I launched Fatigue-Book successful IPO. 

:22–:34

Toe wiggling motivational speaking tour

I noticed my big toe had an uncanny resemblance to Tony Robbins and with this $8.99 DVD I could leverage that toe into an entire foot.

:34–:45

Mortality Marketing Research

I had the passing thought, "I aint going to fucking live forever" Fame... I want to learn how to fly…."

:45–:55

Extensive Food Service Skills

Established proper infrastructure for beard food crumb removal. Duties included finger forklift to remove hirsute debris.

:55–:60

Joy Exclamation Coordinator for Complex Multi Faceted Emotions, Inc.

I realized it’s never too early for porn.

12:43

:00–:01

Finished up with the porn.

References

The squirrel, Vice President of Anemic Looking Tail Inc, currently in the woods who sounds like Edward G. Robinson.

Robert P. Overall Sense of Nausea. Former Coordinator of Sales for Things That Can’t be Sold.

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