This week, Forbes came out with its annual list of the world’s billionaires. This is very exciting for the comedy community, because a billionaire, by definition, is fair game. You cannot be mean to a billionaire. The ultra-rich are so powerful that nothing we do can hurt them. But by God we can try. Here is an insult for each of the 1,741 billionaires on the list.
1. Bill Gates looks like Stephen Hawking could take him in a fight.
2. Carlos Slim, more like Carlos Fat.
3. Warren Buffet, more like Warren can’t-stay-away-from-the-Buffet.
4. Amancio Ortega, more like Amancio Fat.
5. If a witch cast a spell on a weasel and turned it almost human, that weasel-person would be Larry Ellison.
6. Charles Koch looks like if Stephen Colbert got leprosy.
7. And yet Charles is considered “the handsome brother.” Sorry, David Koch.
8. Hey Christy Walton, 1992 called, it wants its perm back.
9. Jim Walton looks like Slender Man at a Bar Mitzvah.
10. Liliane Bettencourt uses so much hairspray she’s personally responsible for the the hole in the ozone (also because she sells millions of gallons of hairspray).
11. If SNL did an impression of Alice Walton, she’d be played by Stuart Smalley in a wig.
12. S. Robson Walton: The S stands for Stupidfuckweasel.
13. Bernard Arnault smells like BO.
14. Watch your step getting on and off the subway, or you might squish tiny former mayor Michael Bloomberg.
15. Jeff Bezos is a human penis.
16. Mark Zuckerberg tries too hard.
17. Li Ka-Shing likes the smell of his own farts more than he likes his children.
18. Sheldon Adelson isn’t fooling anyone with that toupee.
19. What do you get when you cross Jim Carrey’s character from Dumb and Dumber with a total asshole? Larry Page.
20. Sergey Brin looks like he dyed his hair with road tar.
21. Georg Schaeffler secretly thinks being a Nazi sounds awesome.
22. Forrest Mars Jr. is a disappointment to his father.
23. Jaqueline Mars does her makeup by melting a Lisa Frank binder and smearing it on her face.
24. John Mars’ face is so pockmarked they should call him John Moon.
25. David Thomson wants to be friends with Sting but Sting just avoids his calls.
26. Jorge Paulo Lemann has such a small penis his sperm come out single file.
27. Lee Shau Kee’s friends secretly make plans without him.
28. Stefan Persson is a bunch of raccoons operating a man suit.
29. George Soros is a liberal billionaire, which is like being a kind flamethrower. Also he has a forehead the size of Nebraska.
30. Wang Jianlin once saw a kitten with its paw stuck in a drainpipe and it was crying and he just kept walking.
31. Carl Icahn is the one who stuck the kitten’s paw in the drainpipe.
32. Maria Franca Fissolo thinks she so hot but she ain’t shit.
33. Jack Ma is great at frightening evil spirits away because he is a gargoyle.
34. Prince Alwaleed Bin Talal Alsaud is so dumb he thinks menopause is a button on the VCR*.
35. Steve Ballmer looks like someone waxed a testicle and drew a smiley face on it.
36. Fuck Phil Knight.
37. Beate Heister & Karl Albrecht Jr. are known as “that couple” to their friends.
38. Li Hejun doesn’t get invited to any parties unless his mom calls their mom.
39. Mukesh Ambani still doesn’t get the ending for The Sixth Sense.
40. Leonardo Del Vecchio’s mom doesn’t love him.
41. Len Blavatnik’s favorite show is Two and a Half Men.
42. Tadashi Yanai can’t play any card game more complicated than Go Fish.
43. Charles Ergen pronounces words wrong.
44. Dilip Shanghvi’s fly is always down and no one tells him because they hate him.
45. Laurene Powell Jobs constantly masturbates under the table.
46. There’s no photo of Dieter Schwarz because he’s so ugly he’d melt the internet.
47. Michael Dell picks his nose and eats it.
48. Azim Premji has never maintained an erection for more than two seconds.
49. Theo Albrecht Jr. will never be as good as his big brother, Karl.
50. How do get the Michael Otto look: Put a piece of bread on your head and let it grow tufty white mold.
51–1740: these 1,690 billionaires all have an obscene amount of money, but they will never be truly happy, because a life spent in in the pursuit of wealth is like a slow drip of acid on the soul, and deep down they know that their massive companies, which have polluted the planet, created cavernous income inequality, and corrupted every government on Earth, have made the world a worse place, and they will never know if the people they care about actually feel any love or respect for them, or if they’re just waiting for them to die.
1741. Yuan Yafei smells like old butter.