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August 20, 2010

Counting the ways PBR fulfills our needs for cheap beer.

Oh PBR, how I love thee, let me count the ways:


1) Price: You are ridiculously cheap.  I can buy thirty 12oz cans of you for about $15 in Pennsylvania.  In Wisconsin I’m pretty sure I can get the same amount for one foodstamp. 


2) Taste: You actually have an identifiable taste.  You don’t taste like carbonated water; I can tell you are beer.  Beer is good.


3) You are from Milwaukee: I am also from Milwaukee, but I am not a refreshing adult beverage.  You are.


4) A/C for my Mouth: As much as I love hoppy IPA’s on hot days, they usually don’t go well with doing weekend chores because they have such a high ABV percentage, which then leads to unintentional naps and/or BIADD (Booze Induced Attention Deficit Disorder).


5) No Gimmicks: You don’t feel the need to implement any kind of cold-notification technology into your packaging.  I know you’re cold because I have a sense of touch, and luckily, since your beer actually does taste like beer, you don’t need to be ice cold to avoid a gag reflex.


6) Patriotism: You are owned, grown, brewed, and packaged by Americans.  Also your colors are red, white, and blue, which is code for AMERICA.


7) Funk: Either through your support of art festivals or some other hipster-generated underground marketing campaign thing, almost all of the events you sponsor tend to be a hip funky time that has cool music and interesting activities.


8) Variety: I can buy you in 12oz cans, 12oz bottles, 40oz bottles, 16oz cans, kegs, and sometimes even on tap at a few local watering holes.


9) Boats: Captain Pabst sold his shipping company to buy into his father-in-law’s brewery, after which he changed the name to his own and charted a course for Awesometown, USA.


10) Ribbons: Most people think the Blue Ribbon (or BR) comes from the award you may or may not have won way back before the internets and modern medicine, but the truth is that you guys used to literally tie a blue silk ribbon around each bottle of beer.  If only breweries nowadays had that kind of style, we could really take a bite out of our unemployment problem.