1) Ofelia’s On The Fence
I don’t want to get political, but I think Ofelia just pointed out the big hole in the idea that you can build a wall between Mexico and America. Namely that you can make a giant hole in the wall.
Oh, riiiiight. I thought I remembered a certain Sons Of Anarchy actor from last season’s finale. But when we met him again, and Ofelia wasn’t there I just kept my mouth shut because usually when stuff like this happens and I’m lost it means I wasn’t paying attention for a minute which happens pretty much every time I watch this show.
Ahhhh. So he’s racist! Fun. What fun that is. This guy really gives crazy nationalists who drive pickup trucks and carry guns a bad name!
2) A Wild Salazar Mirage Appears
Damn, Ofelia! You’re rolling around in the dirt taking off your clothes, I think you officially took too much of whatever you took. Also, what did you take? It looks fun! Thankfully Salazar is here in mirage form to save the day.
SNAP OUT OF IT AND WAKE YOUR DIRTY SHIT UP OR HE WILL TORTURE YOUR ASS TO LIFE. It’s a plan that’s just crazy enough to work! Also it’s the best plan we’ve seen on this show in about four episodes.
3) Madison’s Roadside Interrogation
Madison. I don’t know how to tell you this, but Ofelia can’t exactly divulge valuable information with you while you’re beating her face into the ground in the dark. Everyone needs to officially go back to Plan School, starting with Madison.
4) Why Did Jeremiah Shoot The Zombie Handcuffed To A Hospital Bed?
Shooting a handcuffed zombie in the outdoor hospital is both messy and loud and also kind of gross. And a waste of both a bullet and a bed. And it doesn’t seem very sanitary for a place where you’re trying to keep people alive. But I guess that’s why they traditionally don’t allow drunks with handguns into hospital rooms! The more you know.
Anthrax? FOR REAL? Damn, Walker. That’s pretty hardcore! I like how he casually said they made it like it’s some crap everybody knows how to make. I don’t think I could tie my shoes without access to the internet at this point, let alone manufacture a deadly chemical weapon.
6) What Did Strand Think Was Going To Be In That Fridge?
Strand opened up a fridge in an abandoned home with no electricity months after the outbreak and is shocked that it smells funky. How surprised could he have really been to find it was gross in there? I live in an apartment with electricity and my fridge regularly looks and smells like a refugee camp. The only things in there right now is an open pack of bacon, three tomatoes, seven beers, and nine different types of condiments. I just turned 30 last month and, suffice to say, not everything is going the way I thought it would be 10 years ago.
7) Boats And Woes
It’s nice to see Abigail again, but Strand trying to make the broken boat work was sad. I was sad watching Strand flip those switches like a kid in a science museum rocketship who thinks if he flips these plastic switches enough he might actually go to the moon. That rocket’s not going anywhere, little bud! Time to put on the ugliest jacket in the history of ugly jackets and drink your remaining life away. It’s a classic move, usually performed by retired rockstars and valet parkers with nothing left to lose.
8) Ofelia’s Upset Walked Tricked Her Into Poisoning Them More Than She Anticipated She Was Poisoning Them
Here’s the thing about poisoning someone. It’s not good for the person who is being poisoned. There are no vitamins in poison. Maybe vitamin P but I’m not sure that one is even good for you. So I’m not sure how shocked or upset Ofelia can be that she gave them full-blown poison and not the training wheels poison she thought she was slipping them. This was all made worse by the fact that Walker told her his horse is smarter than he is, so basically she got outsmarted by a guy dumber than a horse (who she has also allowed to have sex with her) which would probably made her want to take a big gulp of that anthrax coffee if she stopped to add it all up like that.
9) Trailer? I Hardly Know Her!
Walker’s plan to show Alicia exactly where he keeps the only thing he values in this world backfired and she stole the whole dang trailer with her crazy mom. WHY IS EVERYONE ON THIS SHOW SO BAD WITH PLANS? These two groups deserve each other.
10) How Many Skulls Will The Clark Family Hold This Week?
Seriously. It’s getting a little out of hand. The Clark kids went from holding zero skulls ever to two skulls in the past two days. Pretty big uptick! Time to take a seat, Nick. You’re going to want to be off your feet for this unbelievable revelation that a white guy ripped off some Native Americans for their land and also unceremoniously killed some of them with zero consequence. This is truly the most shocking story I’ve ever heard. Glad I wasn’t drinking water at the time, I surely would’ve spit it out all over my television for this gripping yarn that only a room full of TV writers could concoct.
11) Strand’s Russian Leak
WORLDWIDE OUTBREAK CONFIRMED! That’s right, folks! Strand’s conversation with this Russian cosmonaut confirmed a worldwide zombie outbreak. They say you can’t believe everything you read in a magazine or see on TV, but when it comes to fuzzy communications over a CB Radio from a guy claiming to be a Russian in outer space that you talk to after drinking hot champagne in a rhinestone blazer all day you can rest assured everything is 100% facts.
12) Madison Clark: Expert Negotiator
Looks like Madison wants to get in on the Clark family skull holding action! Huh. Apparently handing this pissed off dude his father’s bullet-riddled skull that her son was using as a pillow didn’t go over great. Back to the drawing board! Maybe next time you can give him his mother’s femur the teens used to smoke weed out of in bible study as a peace offering, wrapped in a blanket that poisoned his ancestors. I’m sure that will win him over.
13) Strand Looked Extremely Cool Staring At A Yacht Fire Wearing Sunglasses At Night
My summer 2017 goals just shifted from get in shape and fall in love to set a yacht on fire at night and stare at my work with sunglasses on because holy shit this is a very cool look. Love and fitness can wait, I’m trying to get my likes up on the gram and this sunglasses fire pic is a goddamn layup.
14) Madison’s Fun Family Story About The Time She Murdered Her Father
DAAAAAAAMN, MADISON! Didn’t know you straight up SHOT YOUR DAD IN THE DOME. This feels like the kind of thing that maybe your kids might want to know about. How, exactly, did she keep this a secret from her kids? And her husband? And not go to jail? And get a job as a fucking GUIDANCE COUNSELOR IN THE PUBLIC SCHOOL SYSTEM? Maybe this is just one of those things a parent invents on the spot to get kids to shut up and pay attention. “If you two don’t stop fighting, I’ll tell you about the time I killed a drifter with my car door when I was driving across Nevada!” “JESUS CHRIST, MOM! WE’LL DO WHATEVER YOU WANT AND EAT OUR VEGETABLES, JUST PLEASE NO MORE STORIES!”
15) Nick’s Shooting Up For Justice
Madison’s strategy to argue with an unhinged alcoholic in his paranoia cabin and convince him to kill himself does not go great (yet another one of her awesome plans inexplicably gone awry) so Nick steps in to save the day. I guess Jeremiah was right. He really is a chip off the old block! He shot an alcoholic in the face just like his mom. It’s moments like these that must really make you proud to be a parent.
16) Madison Ruined A Perfectly Good Backpack Delivering Jeremiah’s Head
I understand that Madison wanted to deliver Jeremiah’s head to Walker, but did she have to ruin a perfectly good backpack on the delivery? Or ruin a perfectly goof song like “Stand By Me” while she’s at it? Where can I download every copy of this song to make sure nobody ever has to hear it again? Looks like Jeremiah got off easy, because with his head severed an in that backpack there’s no way he could hear this version of “Stand By Me” that we all had to sit through and, in my case turn the volume down as low as it could go. ALRIGHT, FOLKS! That OFFICIALLY brings us to the end of this … half … season. Here’s where my annual “mid-season finales are stupid” rant goes. You’ve read it before, really no need to read it again! I want to thank all of you for continuing to read these recaps. I have fun watching this show (it’s definitely been better this season, btw) and goofing on it (I only take time to goof on things I enjoy) and appreciate that you come back every week to read what my dumb ass has to say (I read all your comments) AND SEE YOUR ASSES AGAIN REAL SOON when SEASON SEVEN OF FEAR THE WALKING DEAD RETURNS! Byeeeeeeeee!
For more from the author (that’s me! hi) during the off-season please check out: