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December 03, 2015

If you find yourself doing something freaky with a candy cane under the mistletoe, there's probably a name for it. Here are 19 sex terms for the holiday season.

The holiday season is a time for friends, family, and getting freaky by the fire. Here are a bunch of holiday-themed sex terms that just might inspire you to grind up some mistletoe, sprinkle it on your festive parts, and go find some holiday cheer in a whole new way.

Three Wise Men: An all-male threesome that ends abruptly after someone asks, “What are frankincense and myrrh, anyway?”

Celebrating Hanukkah: Eight small, kind-of-OK orgasms that are spread out instead of one great big orgasm all at once.

Oh Hole-y Night: Plug up all the holes and lie still until sunrise.

Mistletit: When a woman dangles a boob above a doorway and two people kiss underneath it.

Menorah: Nine dicks on fire.

Home Alone: When you coat your hands in grease from a cheese pizza and jerk off to scenes from Angels With Filthy Souls.

Secret Santa (work): When two coworkers exchange snow-covered dick pics.

Secret Santa (home): When your entire family puts their names in a hat in order to decide who has sex with whom.

O’ Christmas Tree: Get hard and lie down in your living room. Cover your dick in lights, glass balls, and put a star on top. When your dick dries up in January, toss it out to the curb.

A Christmas Carol: An agreement that during the month of December either you or your significant other can fuck anyone named Carol.

A Christmas Carell: Same thing as A Christmas Carol but with actor Steve Carell instead.

Santa’s Beard: An elaborate beard stretching from ear to chest, made entirely of the holiday jizz of eight tiny reindeer.

Yule Log: When you fuck a log, but it’s December.

Santa’s Sleigh: When the man climbs inside the woman’s womb up to his torso and rides her down the stairs. A Reverse Santa’s Sleigh is when the woman does the same but inside the “Man’s Womb” (the dick hole).

The Grandma Got Ran Over By A Reindeer: Gentle cuddling.

Up On The Housetop: When you have sex in the top bunk while a lonely freak sleeps in the bottom one.

Big Drummer Boy: Something to yell while you’re having sex with Dave Grohl.

Island Of Misfit Toys: Partners experiment with different vibrators and toss any that don’t get them off into a big pile that they can then look at together while they fuck.

The Christmas Ham: When a man glazes and garnishes his butt and lays on a table to be feasted on by a group of people he hasn’t seen since Thanksgiving.