The holiday season is a time for friends, family, and getting freaky by the fire. Here are a bunch of holiday-themed sex terms that just might inspire you to grind up some mistletoe, sprinkle it on your festive parts, and go find some holiday cheer in a whole new way.
Three Wise Men: An all-male threesome that ends abruptly after someone asks, “What are frankincense and myrrh, anyway?”
Celebrating Hanukkah: Eight small, kind-of-OK orgasms that are spread out instead of one great big orgasm all at once.
Oh Hole-y Night: Plug up all the holes and lie still until sunrise.
Mistletit: When a woman dangles a boob above a doorway and two people kiss underneath it.
Menorah: Nine dicks on fire.
Home Alone: When you coat your hands in grease from a cheese pizza and jerk off to scenes from Angels With Filthy Souls.
Secret Santa (work): When two coworkers exchange snow-covered dick pics.
Secret Santa (home): When your entire family puts their names in a hat in order to decide who has sex with whom.
O’ Christmas Tree: Get hard and lie down in your living room. Cover your dick in lights, glass balls, and put a star on top. When your dick dries up in January, toss it out to the curb.
A Christmas Carol: An agreement that during the month of December either you or your significant other can fuck anyone named Carol.
A Christmas Carell: Same thing as A Christmas Carol but with actor Steve Carell instead.
Santa’s Beard: An elaborate beard stretching from ear to chest, made entirely of the holiday jizz of eight tiny reindeer.
Yule Log: When you fuck a log, but it’s December.
Santa’s Sleigh: When the man climbs inside the woman’s womb up to his torso and rides her down the stairs. A Reverse Santa’s Sleigh is when the woman does the same but inside the “Man’s Womb” (the dick hole).
The Grandma Got Ran Over By A Reindeer: Gentle cuddling.
Up On The Housetop: When you have sex in the top bunk while a lonely freak sleeps in the bottom one.
Big Drummer Boy: Something to yell while you’re having sex with Dave Grohl.
Island Of Misfit Toys: Partners experiment with different vibrators and toss any that don’t get them off into a big pile that they can then look at together while they fuck.
The Christmas Ham: When a man glazes and garnishes his butt and lays on a table to be feasted on by a group of people he hasn’t seen since Thanksgiving.