Hello living Americans, it’s us, the ghosts of the Founding Fathers. Yes, all of us — Jefferson, Franklin, Adams, Hancock, and, you know, all the rest of us — don’t worry about who exactly; we definitely know who all of us are.
We have crossed over from the afterlife to address you regarding guns (and also to catch a matinee of Star Wars at one of those fancy theaters with the food service and the chairs that recline so much they are like beds and stuff). What got us excited in particular was this big stand off out in eastern Oregon over ranchers’ rights. Normally when you living Americans all talk about guns it doesn’t make a lick of sense to us, but a bunch of men in the middle of nowhere waving guns around and cooking up big meat? That’s all we ever did! Hell yeah!
Normally we get so confused about when you all choose to pull out your guns. We liked guns for shooting animals, the British, and at the sun for no reason. You all seem to like guns so that you can let dumb and insane people cull down the population of humans who live in America every couple of days. For a while there we thought you guys were off your rockers. You kept saying things like how we, the Founding Fathers, would WANT nut jobs to be able to shoot up elementary schools and centers for disabled people. Jesus Christ, don’t say shit like that. Back when we wrote the Constitution we were loading up muskets! Muskets suck and take forever to load! Back then the only people who could take down a “bad guy with a gun” was literally anybody nearby who had some free time to kill while the bad guy reloaded.
On top of that, now you got all these dickheads in Texas (a state that we all agree is too damn big by the way) openly carrying guns around the city. You know who waves guns around like that? Children looking for attention. At no point in writing the Bill of Rights did we intend for it to embolden dickheads to do dickhead things. You know who used to carry guns around in our cities all the time? The damn British. They were always bragging about them too. Dickheads.
But this! THIS! A bunch of men out in the snowy wilderness partying in a cold federal building no one was going to use till the spring anyway? Sign us up! Sure, this isn’t quite what we meant by the whole “militia” thing in the Constitution. I guess we were talking about a nascent military force that would protect the states. Who cares, though! Look at all these buddies getting together and comparing their guns to each other while eating giant hunks of deer! Hell yeah! This is what America is about! Land and friendship and food!
We don’t like stepping in and telling you all what to do, believe us. We would much rather be smokin’ dope and apologizing to Native Americans in Heaven. However, when we see you guys on the right track, doing shit we would have loved, we gotta say something. Let those men hang out on the land, it’s what land is for. They just want to herd cattle. If they were trying to drill for oil or something then shoot them all dead. But this, come on, let ‘em be.
Plus, we like that these guys are probably all big racists like us.