MEMO FROM DEATH
It’s me, Death, coming at you from the shapeless abyss that is the afterlife and all its glory.
Just wanted to send a quick statement in light of recent events. By now all of you have heard the news that Kim Kardashian has promised to take naked selfies until she dies. And I’m going to make sure that never happens, so that way Kim will keep taking naked selfies for eternity.
Let me explain.
I know as you heard the news of Kim’s announcement of perpetual nude pics, a wave of joy spread through your entire body, the kind of joy one feels when realizing the full power of the human race and its potential for good. But that joy quickly disappeared when you realized that Kim could be taken from the world at any moment. I know all this because of the influx of emails, texts, tweets, snapchats, even traditional snail mail that I received from you begging me not to take Kim away.
Normally my response is to flat out say “no” and then kill someone close to you if you keep asking. But these are special circumstances.
So after much reflection I am now promising that I will never take Kim away. I couldn’t live with myself (hey o!) knowing that I had denied any future generation the joy of seeing the internet break on a random Tuesday. So, all generations, from now until the end of time, will know the glory of a Kim Kardashian nude selfie floating out to the world wide web.
That being said, keeping Kim alive forever will come with a price.
If you skim a little in one place, you gotta take a little extra somewhere else. Thus,I will be taking most of you much earlier than expected. That’s right: everybody else is going to have to live a little less so Kim can keep on posting pics of her boobies reflected in a bathroom mirror.
How will I make this happen? I’m asking Cancer and Diabetes to work overtime. In the next decade you will see a drastic increase in the amount of deadly cancers and diabetic shocks in your co-workers, friends, and family, all thanks to Kim’s new promise.
This also means hospitals are going to be at capacity, the medical profession is going to be overworked, and many will leave the job citing impossible work demands. Now I presented several focus groups with these consequences and the ubiquitous answer from everyone was, “Kill everyone so we can keep Kim forever.” So, you’re welcome.
In fact, many of you volunteered your friends and family if I could promise yet another naked Kim selfie right away. Guys, you know I can’t do that. I’m death, my jurisdiction is the coming and going of people’s souls. I do not have power over the choices they make. Although, I can make a camera fall from deadly heights Final Destination-style. But will that camera take a perfectly positioned naked selfie as it crashes on what is most likely Rob Kardashian’s skull? I dunno, probably not.
Although, since it seems like a lot of you are dying (hey o!) to find out, so I will be killing Rob in the next couple of days. Yeah, that’s the other big announcement, but I figured I could just bury it in this memo and no one would give two farts.
Okay, Death out.
P.S. - My last memo still stands: I will kill anyone who tries to cancel Keeping Up With the Kardashians.