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February 19, 2018
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When you shoplift and pay at the same time.

INT. FANCY RESTAURANT. NIGHT BRAD COMFORTABLY AND FULFILLED SITS AT TABLE ALONE AWAITING THE RETURN OF HIS DATE AS SHE EXCUSED HERSELF AFTER THE MEAL. THEIR WAITER MAKES HIS WAY TO THE TABLE WITH CHECK AND CARD IN HAND.

WAITER
PARDON ME SIR…

BRAD
DON’T WORRY… YOU CAN STOP KISSING MY ASS NOW. YOU DID GOOD..UM…UM

WAITER
HMMM… WILLIAM

BRAD
THAT’S RIGHT BILL. YOU WERE AMAZING! THIS RESTARAUNT AMAZING! I’M GONNA TAKE CARE OF YOU. A NICE BIG TIP!

WAITER
YES. VERY GOOD SIR, IT’S WILLIAM… I HOPE THAT IT’S GOING TO BE ON A DIFFERENT CARD BECAUSE THIS ONE HAS BEEN DECLINED…

BRAD
WHAT! THERE’S NO WAY. YOU WEREN’T USING IT RIGHT BILL! YOU BETTER WALK RIGHT ON BACK UP THERE AND TRY IT AGAIN..

WAITER
IT’S WILLIAM SIR… AND I’VE TRIED YOUR CARD FIVE TIMES. SO, WHAT CARD WOULD YOU LIKE TO TRY NEXT? WE ALSO ACCEPT CASH SIR.

BRAD
AHH.. WHO SAID WE WERE DONE BILL!?!?!

WAITER
WILLIAM, SIR… YOU WERE TRYING TO PAY….

BRAD
DON’T TRY TO RUSH US OUT OF THIS DUMP. THAT FIVE DOLLAR TIP JUST WENT TO FOUR!

BRAD HOLDS UP HIS HAND WITH ALL FIVE FINGERS UP AND SLOWLY LOWERS ONE OF THE FINGERS WHILE STARING THE WAITER DIRECTLY IN THE EYES.

WAITER
APOLOGIES SIR… MAY I SUGGEST THE CHOCOLATE CAKE AND GANACHE FOR DESSERT?

BRAD’S DATE MICHELLE MAKES HER WAY BACK TO THE TABLE.

MICHELLE
HEY, READY TO GO?

BRAD
DON’T BE SILLY. WE HAVEN’T EVEN HAD DESSERT YET.

MICHELLE
BUT, I THOUGHT WE WERE…

BRAD
SHH… I JUST ORDERED US TWO SLICES OF THE MOST DELICIOUS CHOCOLATE CAKE WITH GANACHE.

MICHELLE
BUT DIDN’T YOU JUST PAY…

BRAD
WHAT CAN I SAY, OL'BILL TALKED ME INTO IT.

WAITER
WILLIAM… MA'AM AT FIFTEEN DOLLARS A SLICE IT IS THE MOST DECADENT AND ELAGANT…

BRAD SPITS OUT THE WATER THAT HE WAS DRINKING IN DISBELIEF.

BRAD
(COUGHING)
SORRY, IT WENT DOWN THE WRONG PIPE.. WAITER I WILL RETURN SHORTLY WITH YOUR DESSERTS.

WAITER STARTS TO WALK AWAY.

BRAD
BETTER BE SOME BIG SLICES…

MICHELLE
WHAT WAS THAT?

BRAD
WHAT, I DIDN’T SAY ANYTHING. IF YOU WILL EXCUSE ME FOR A MOMENT I NEED TO RUN TO THE LABORATORY…

MICHELLE
THE WHAT?!?!

BRAD STANDS UP FROM THE TABLE AND ADJUSTS HIS TIE.

BRAD
LABORATORY…

MICHELLE
DO YOU MEAN LAVATORY?

BRAD
YOU’RE SO FUNNY… MAKING UP WORDS. A GREAT SENSE OF HUMOR AND SO BEAUTIFUL….

HE STARTS TO WALK AWAY FROM THE TABLE. LOOKS BACK OVER HIS SHOULDER TO SEE IF SHE IS WATCHING, SMILES AND WAVES SHE WAVES BACK. ONCE MICHELLE TURNS HER HEAD HE STARTS TO SPEED WALK TO GET AROUND THE CORNER AND OUT OF VIEW. HE PULLS OUT HIS PHONE AND GOES TO HIS ACCOUNT. HIS EYES GET BIG WHEN HE SEES HIS ACCOUNT BALANCE WHICH IS NOT ENOUGH TO COVER THE BILL.

BRAD (CONT’D)
OH NO… OH SHIT, OH SHIT, OH SHIT…

WITH THE PHONE CLUTCHED CLOSE TO HIS CHEST AND HIS EYES CLOSED. BRAD STARTS TO HAVE A SMALL TEMPER TANTRUM WHILE TRYING TO BE QUIET. HE HEARS A DOOR SHUT AND TWO GENTLEMEN COME WALKING BY. HE PLAYS IT OFF BY PUTTING HIS PHONE TO HIS EAR.

BRAD (CONT’D)
DAMN IT CARL! WHY WON’T YOU LISTEN. BUY ONE THOUSAND SHARES. THIS IS YOUR LAST CHANCE.

BRAD PRETENDS TO HANG UP HIS PHONE AND SHAKES HIS HEAD IN DISAPPROVAL.

BRAD (CONT’D)
GOOD HELP IS SO HARD TO FIND THESE DAYS…

THE TWO GUYS KIND OF LOOK, BUT JUST KEEP WALKING. BRAD PULLS HIS PHONE BACK OUT TO EXAMINE HIS ACCOUNT. AFTER SCROLLING AND LOOKING FOR A MOMENT HE IDENTIFIES THE PROBLEM THEN GETS ANGRY.

BRAD (CONT’D)
WHAT IN THE HELL… THOSE LITTLE MOTHA… NOPE

DIALING THE PHONE FURIOUSLY HE RACES INTO THE BATHROOM AND THEN INTO A STALL PASSING THE BATHROOM ATTENDANT. SLAMMING THE DOOR BEHIND HIM. THE ATTENDANT’S EYES GLANCE UP FROM HIS PAPER FOR A MOMENT THEN BACK DOWN TO IT. HE PLOPS DOWN ON THE TOILET AND WAITS IMPAITENTLY FOR AN ANSWER.

BRAD (CONT’D)
C'MON C'MON…

JENNY ANSWERS PHONE AT SAHARRAH CALL CENTER

JENNY
THANK YOU FOR CALLING SAHARRAH. MY NAME IS JENNY, HOW MAY I HELP YOU?

BRAD
YES JENNY! YOU CAN START BY EXPLAINING WHY YOU CHARGED MY CARD!

JENNY
OK SIR, I APOLOGIZE FOR THE INCONVIENCE. IF YOU COULD GIVE ME YOUR ACCOUNT NUMBER I WILL BE MORE THAN HAPPY TO ASSIST YOU.

BRAD
I DON’T HAVE MY DAMN ACCOUNT NUMBER JENNY….

JENNY
OK SIR, IF YOU COULD CALM DOWN AND GIVE ME YOUR NAME I CAN LOOK YOU UP..

BRAD
I AM CALM.. MY NAME IS BRAD…

JENNY
OK! YOUR LAST NAME SIR..

BRAD
(COUGHING AND LOW)
YEAH, IT’S UH UM PITT.

JENNY
I’M SORRY SIR. I DIDN’T CATCH THAT.

BRAD IT’S PITT… PITT DAMN IT! P!… I!… T!… T!…

THERE IS AN UNCOMFORTABLE SILENCE AS THE CLICKETITY CLACKITY OF JENNY TYPING HAS STOPPED.

JENNY
SOOO, YOUR LAST NAME IS PITT.

BRAD
YES! DIDN’T I JUST SAY THAT!

JENNY
(SNICKERS)
OK. MR. BRAD PITT…

BRAD
I HATE HIM… HE HAS RUINED MY LIFE. WITH HIS SMUG GOOD LOOKS, MOUNTAINS OF MONEY, AND ACTING ABILITY… FUCK BRAD PITT! TAKE ALL THAT AWAY AND WHAT IS LEFT?!?!?!

JENNY
YOU. OH LOOK AT THAT I FOUND YOU.

BRAD
WAIT. WHAT IN THE HELL WAS THAT JENNY?!?!?

BRAD LOOKS AT THE PHONE AS THE SOUND OF TYPING RESUMES.

JENNY
OK SIR. YOUR ADDRESS IS COLONIAL AVE?

BRAD
YES. FINALLY…

JENNY
OK. LET ME TAKE A LOOK AT YOUR ACCOUNT FOR A MOMENT.

HE ROLLS HIS EYES AS HE SITS THERE IN THE STALL WAITING.

BRAD
CAN WE HURRY THIS UP? I NEED TO GET GOING. (MORE)

BRAD (CONT’D)
I’M TRYING TO HAVE THIS AMAZING DATE WITH MY GIRL AT ONE OF THE FANCIEST RESTURAUNTS IN THE CITY.

JENNY
I UNDERSTAND SIR. WHICH RESTAURANT?

BRAD
LE TOWER. ONLY THE BEST FOR MY WOMAN..

JENNY
THAT’S NICE. YOU SHOULD HAVE GONE TO FIVE EIGHTY ONE. BETTER FOOD AND VIEWS…

BRAD
WHY DON’T YOU JUST FOCUS ON THE PROBLEM AND MIND YOUR BUSINESS.

JENNY
SORRY SIR.. OK LOOKS LIKE YOU CHARGED SOME ITEMS AT ONE OF OUR STORES.

BRAD
I CERTAINLY DID NOT.

JENNY
YES SIR. YOU DID. LOOKS LIKE YOU WENT TO OUR NEW SAHARRAH LOCATED ON ELM. YOU PURCHASED A TWELVE PACK OF CONDOMS, BOUQUETTE OF WHITE ROSES, THE NEW LOVE COME SWIFTLY NOVEL…

BRAD
SHH. YOU DON’T HAVE SAY THAT SO LOUD!

JENNY
A PACK OF GUM, ETC… ETC… FOR A GRAND TOTAL ONE HUNDRED EIGHTY THREE DOLLARS AND TWENTY SIX CENTS..

POP GOES THE BUBBLE OF CHEWING GUM THAT BRAD IS CHEWING AS HE CONTINUES TO SIT.

BRAD
NOPE! I DIDN’T BUY ANYTHING

JENNY
DID YOU TAKE ANY ITEMS OUT OF THE STORE?

BRAD
YEAH… KIND OF.

JENNY
I SEE. YOU WERE CHARGED FOR THOSE ITEMS ONCE YOU REMOVED THEM FROM THE STORE. THE STORE CHECKED YOU OUT.

BRAD
WELL JENNY, HERE’S THE DEAL. I WASN’T GOING TO PAY FOR THOSE ITEMS.

JENNY
BUT SIR, YOU TOOK THE ITEMS THAT’S WHY YOUR ACCOUNT WAS CHARGED.

BRAD
NO ONE RANG ME UP. THERE WAS NO CASHIER.

JENNY
THE STORE ITSELF CHARGED YOU.

BRAD
WELL THE STORE BETTER GIVE ME MY MONEY BACK!!!

JENNY
SO YOU WERE JUST GOING TO TAKE THE ITEMS WITHOUT PAYING? THAT’S STEALING SIR!

BRAD
NO! NOT STEALING… JUST BORROWING WITH A FLEXIBLE RETURN POLICY.

JENNY
I’M SORRY, BUT YOU HAVE POSSESSION OF THE ITEMS. THEREFOR THE MONEY IS CORRECTLY TAKEN FROM YOUR ACCOUNT.

FRUSTRATED BRAD PUNCHES THE SIDE OF THE STALL. THE BATHROOM ATTENDANT JUST FLIPS TO THE NEXT PAGE OF THE PAPER.

BRAD
NO! THAT IS UNACCEPTABLE! I WAS NOT PLANNING ON PAYING FOR THOSE ITEMS JENNY…

JENNY
YES SIR. I KNOW YOU WERE STEALING…

BRAD
BORROWING…

ANOTHER GENTLEMAN ENTERS THE BATHROOM. THE STALL DOOR SHUTS BEHIND HIM.

BRAD (CONT’D)
PLEASE JENNY. I AM BEGGING YOU. HELP ME. PLEASE!!!!

JENNY
WELL… YOU COULD RETURN THE ITEMS AND WE COULD REFUND THE MONEY TO YOUR CARD.

BRAD
YES! THAT’S IT JENNY. THANK YOU! LET’S SEE I CAN RETURN THAT CANDLE, UH..

AS BRAD SITS THERE ON THE TOILET THINKING OF WHAT’S NEXT. THIS SMALL FART SOUND WHISTLES LOWLY. BRAD LOOKS AROUND CONFUSED AND STARTLED THEN RETURNS TO DEEP THOUGHT.

BRAD (CONT’D)
DEFINATELY GOING TO RETURN THAT AWFUL CAVIAR…

JENNY
OK, YOU DIDN’T OPEN IT DID YOU?

BRAD SITS THERE SHAKING HIS HEAD YES

BRAD
UHH…. NO..

ALL OF A SUDDEN THERE IS A RAPID MACHINE GUN FIRE OF FARTS COMING FROM THE GENTLEMAN IN THE NEXT STALL. BRAD EYES GROW WIDE AS HE IS STUNNED AND LOOKS AT THE WALL OF THE STALL THAT IT’S COMING FROM.

BRAD (CONT’D)
HEY MAN…. C'MON!

TOILET BUDDY
SORRY, I DON’T KNOW WHAT’S GOING ON.

HE STARTS TO SNIFF THEN CATCHES A WHIFF. HE STARTS TO GAG AND DRY HEAVE.

JENNY
SIR. ARE YOU OK… I MAY HAV

JENNY HEARING THE SOUNDS OF THE GAGING AND DRY HEAVING STARTS TO DRY HEAVE HERSELF.

JENNY (CONT’D)
PLACE YOU ON… A…. BRIEF HOLD.

BRAD
OH MY GOD! WHAT DID YOU EAT? SO HORRIBLE….

A MINUTE LATER AFTER THE SMELL HAS FADED BRAD IS WIPING THE TEARS FROM HIS EYES.

JENNY
OK SIR. HOW ABOUT THE CONDOMS?

BRAD
I DON’T THINK SO I’M GOING TO NEED THOSE TONIGHT?

JENNY
THEY ARE FOURTEEN DOLLARS…

BRAD
HOLY SHIT. FOR FOURTEEN DOLLARS THEY BETTER BE MADE OUT OF BATTLE ARMORED BULLET PROOF LATEX.

JENNY
YEAH…

BRAD
IS THERE A WARRANTY THAT IF SHE GETS PREGNANT THE COMPANY COVERS EIGHTTEEN YEARS OF CHILD SUPPORT?

JENNY
PROBABLY NOT SIR…

BRAD
HOW ABOUT I USE ONE… MAYBE TWO AND RETURN THE REST.

JENNY
I’M SORRY SIR. THAT’S NOT GOING TO WORK.

BRAD
OK, HOW ABOUT THAT BOUQUET OF WEEDS?

JENNY
SIR THAT IS A GORGEOUS BOUQUET OF ROSES. ANY WOMAN WOULD LOVE TO RECEIVE THEM.

BRAD
BLAH, BLAH, BLAH…. HOW MUCH?

JENNY
FORTY SIX DOLLARS….

BRAD
AWWW HELL NO! SHE ALREADY GOT THEM. SHE SAW THEM. SHE LOVED THEM. NOW IT’S TIME TO RETURN THEM…

JENNY
REALLY?

BRAD
NEXT..

ALL OF A SUDDEN BRAD IS STARTLED AND SCREAMS WHEN A HAND FROM HIS TOILET BUDDY REACHES UNDERNEATH THE STALL.

JENNY
OWWW… WHY?!?!

BRAD
OH SHIT! WHAT IN THE HELL MAN?

TOILET BUDDY
HEY BUD! CAN YOU HELP ME OUT? RAN OUT OF PAPER.

BRAD DISGUSTEDLY DROPS TOILET PAPER INTO THE HAND ANXIOUSLY WAITING. AFTER A FEW MINUTES THE TOILET FLUSHES AND BRAD’S TOILET BUDDY WALKS OUT OF HIS STALL.

TOILET BUDDY (CONT’D)
WHEW!!! THAT WAS NOT PRETTY.

THE BATHROOM ATTENDANT STARTS TO LAUGH AND LOWERS THE PAPER.

BATHROOM ATTENDANT
HAD THE CHICKEN CRISTOPHER AGAIN, HUH?!?!?!

TOILET BUDDY
OH YEAH, YOU KNOW I LOVE THAT SHIT!

LAUGHING OUT LOUD THE BATHROOM ATTENDANT ALMOST FALLS OFF HIS STOOL. BRAD PERKS UP WITH A CONCERNED LOOK, HE STARTS RUBBING HIS STOMACH.

BRAD
(TALKING LOW)
I HAD THE CHICKEN CHRISTOPHER….

BATHROOM ATTENDANT
ROUGH NIGHT?

TOILET BUDDY
YEAH… I’VE BEEN BUSTING MY ASS ON THIS TABLE AND THE GUY IS SUCH A DICK…

BATHROOM ATTENDANT
AREN’T THEY ALL?

TOILET BUDDY
TRUE… BUT, THIS ONE’S BROKE. RAN HIS CARD AND IT DECLINED OVER AND OVER AGAIN. THEN ACTED LIKE IT’S MY FAULT..

ONCE AGAIN BRAD PERKED UP UPON HEARING HIS TOILET BUDDY. NOW HE’S MOVING AROUND TRYING TO PEEK THROUGH THE SLOTS IN THE STALL.

TOILET BUDDY (CONT’D)
THAT’S OK. HOPE HE ENJOYS THE FLOOR SEASONING ON HIS CAKE. DROPPED HIS DATE’S ON THE FLOOR. WAS GOING TO RETURN THEM TO THE KITCHEN, BUT I FIGURE JUST SWITCH THEM.

BATHROOM ATTENDANT
SERVES HIM RIGHT..

PEEKING THROUGH THE SLOT IN THE STALL BRAD IS GETTING ANGRY…

BRAD
THAT MOTHER FUCKER…

JENNY
SIR.. THAT LANGUAGE WILL NOT BE TOLERATED. I WILL TERMINATE THE CALL IF IT CONTINUES…

BRAD
SHHH… SHUT THE FUCK UP JENNY

TOILET BUDDY WHO IS WILLIAM THE WAITER IS NOW CHECKING HIMSELF OUT IN THE MIRROR.

TOILET BUDDY
OK, WELL I GUESS I SHOULD GET BACK TO IT. NOBODY ELSE IS GOING TO BABYSIT THESE BRATS.

BATHROOM ATTENDANT
GOOD LUCK… HAHAHA

WILLIAM LEAVES THE BATHROOM AFTER ADJUSTING HIS TIE. AS HE IS LEAVING A UNIFORMED POLICE OFFICER ENTERS THE BATHROOM.

BRAD
THAT DIRTY…. NASTY.. SON OF A BITCH… HE DIDN’T EVEN WASH HIS DAMN HANDS.. SO UNSATURATED..

JENNY
WAIT… WHAT?!?!?!

BRAD
YOU KNOW… UNSATURATED… NOT CLEAN, DIRTY, DISGUSTING…

JENNY
SIR, I THINK YOU MEAN UNSANITARY.

BRAD
HEY JENNY! I KNOW WHAT I SAID AND I SAID WHAT I MEANT…

ANNOYED, THE POLICE OFFICER POINTS AT THE STALL DOOR THAT BRAD IS SITTING IN. PEEKING BARELY ABOVE HIS NEWSPAPER THE BATHROOM ATTENDANT NOD IN AGREEMENT.

OFFICER JACKSON
MR. PITT I AM OFFICER JACKSON WITH THE METROPOLITAN POLICE DEPARTMENT. I NEED YOU TO EXIT THE STALL IMMEDIATELY.

NERVOUSLY, TRYING NOT TO FREAK OUT BRAD TRIES TO PEEK THROUGH THE STALL DOOR.

BRAD
OH MY GOD! WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?

JENNY
YOU COULD MAKE THIS EASY AND TURN YOURSELF IN.

BRAD
SHUT UP JENNY!

STANDING ON THE TOILET, BRAD NOW ANXIOUSLY LOOKS AROUND FOR AN ESCAPE ROUTE. IN HIS HASTINESS HIS FOOT SLIPS OFF THE SEAT AND SPLASH GOES RIGHT INTO THE TOILET. HE TRIES TO REMOVE HIS FOOT, BUT IT’S NOW STUCK.

OFFICER JACKSON
MR. PITT IF YOU DO NOT EXIT IMMEDIATELY I WILL BE HAPPY UH.. I MEAN FORCED TO COME IN THERE AND GET YOU BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY.

BRAD
JUST A MINUTE SIR, MR POLICE OFFICER. I AM HAVING A PROBLEM…

OFFICER JACKSON
WELL THEN WE ARE BOTH ARE ABOUT TO HAVE A PROBLEM.

QUICKLY UNSNAPPING HIS GUN FROM IT’S HOLSTER OFFICER JACKSON BACKS AWAY FROM THE DOOR AS HE IS ABOUT TO KICK IT IN. THE BATHROOM ATTENDANT LOWERS HIS PAPER AND RAISES HIS PHONE TO CATCH IT ALL ON VIDEO.

OFFICER JACKSON (CONT’D)
YOU HAVE UNTIL THE COUNT OF THREE TO GET YOUR ASS OUT HERE!

BRAD
SHIT!

JENNY
SIR, YOU MIGHT WANT TO GIVE UP NOW…

VIGOROUSLY BRAD IS TRYING TO FREE HIMSELF FROM THE TOILET. THE POLICE OFFICER STANDS OUTSIDE THE STALL GUN DRAWN.

OFFICER JACKSON
ONE!

BRAD
SHUT THE HELL UP JENNY!

OFFICER JACKSON
IS THERE SOMEONE IN THERE WITH YOU? DO YOU HAVE A HOSTAGE?!?!?!

BRAD
NO!!! HOLD ON! JUST A MINUTE!!!

OFFICER JACKSON TURNS HIS RADIO ON AND BEGINS TO SPEAK INTO IT. BRAD IS STILL PULLING ON HIS LEG.

OFFICER JACKSON
DISPATCH, OFFICER JACKSON HERE. GOING TO NEED BACK UP, LOOKS LIKE A HOSTAGE SITUATION HERE. PROBABLY THE MORGUE AS WELL.

OFFICER JACKSON (CONT’D)
TWO!

AFTER ANOTHER TUG OF HIS LEG BRAD REALIZES THAT IT’S HIS SHOE THAT IS STUCK. HE LOOKS DOWN AT THE MURKY WATER REALIZING THAT THERE WAS SOMETHING IN THERE OTHER THAN HIS SHOE. HIS FACE CRINGES WITH DISGUST. THEN APPEARS TO BE DEEP IN THOUGHT FOR A MOMENT.

JENNY
SIR! I REALLY MUST ADVISE YOU TO JUST GIVE UP ALREADY..

NERVOUSLY OFFICER JACKSON STILL HAS HIS WEAPON DRAWN AND POINTED AT THE STALL. HE USES HIS FOREARM TO WIPE THE SWEAT OFF HIS BROW. HE LICKS HIS LIPS IN ANTICIPATION. HE OPENS HIS MOUTH ABOUT TO SAY THREE. WHEN ALL OF A SUDDEN THE STALL DOOR COMES BURSTING OPEN. BRAD IS AKWARDLY TUMBLING OUT AT OFFICER JACKSON’S FEET WITH ONE SHOE ON AND BOTH HANDS ALL WET. HE LANDS WITH A THUD. HIS PHONE WHICH WAS PUT IN HIS SHIRT POCKET GOES SLIDING ACROSS THE BATHROOM’S TILED FLOOR.

BRAD
OUCH!

OFFICER JACKSON
YOU MADE THE RIGHT DECISION MY FRIEND.

JENNY
HELLO?!? HELLO!?!?

BRAD
THIS IS SOME SHIT. WHAT EXACTLY AM I BEING ARRESTED FOR?

OFFICER JACKSON
YOU SIR ARE BRING ARRESTED FOR STEALING FROM THE SAHARRAH LOCATED ON ELM. NOW GIVE ME YOUR RIGHT HAND!

BRAD GIVES HIS RIGHT HAND BACK TO OFFICER JACKSON WHILE RESTING HIS HEAD ON THE FLOOR.

BRAD
I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS. I AM GETTING ARRESTED FOR STEALING ITEMS I ALREADY PAID FOR.

OFFICER
JACKSON YEAH RIGHT… SAVE IT FOR THE JUDGE.

BRAD
NO SERIOUSLY. I HAVE THEIR REP JENNY ON MY PHONE RIGHT NOW. TALK TO HER!

OFFICER JACKSON LOOKS AROUND AND FINALLY SPOTS BRAD’S CELL PHONE ON THE FLOOR NEAR THE SINK. WALKING OVER CAUTIOUSLY PICKS UP THE PHONE AND PLACES IT UP TO HIS EAR.

OFFICER JACKSON
HELLO?

JENNY
HELLO

OFFICER JACKSON
WHO AM I SPEAKING TO?

JENNY
THIS IS JENNY WITH SAHARRAH, SIR.

OFFICER JACKSON
OK…. DID MR. PITT MAKE PURCHASES OF CERTAIN ITEMS FROM YOUR STORE?

JENNY
YES HE DID, BUT HE EXPRESSED HIS INTENT TO STEAL THOSE ITEMS.

OFFICER JACKSON
REALLY!! YOU GOT ME RUNNING AROUND…. DAMN IT! THIS IS SOME…. I CAN’T ARREST HIM FOR BUYING STUPID SHIT FROM YOUR STORE..

JENNY
BUT HE SAID….

OFFICER JACKSON WALKS OVER TO BRAD AND STARTS TO TAKE OFF THE CUFFS AND HELPS BRAD TO HIS FEET.

OFFICER JACKSON
HAVE A GOOD NIGHT SIR…

BRAD
ARE YOU SERIOUS! WHAT ABOUT MY SHOE! YOU HAD ME AT GUN POINT… I STUCK MY HANDS IN SHIT FLAVORED WATER!!!!!

WITH A STERN LOOK OFFICER JACKSON STARES STRAIGHT INTO BRAD’S EYES. HE TOSSES THE PHONE TO BRAD. THEN GIVES BRAD THE MIDDLE FINGER. OFFICER JACKSON BITE ME… LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY THE BATHROOM ATTENDANT FALLS OFF HIS STOOL. OFFICER JACKSON STORMS OUT OF THE BATHROOM LEAVING BRAD STANDING IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BATHROOM STUNNED.

JENNY
HELLO?!?

HEARING THE FAINT VOICE OVER THE PHONE BRAD RAISES THE PHONE TO HIS EAR.

BRAD
JENNY?

JENNY
YES

BRAD
HOW COULD YOU?!?!

JENNY
I MIGHT HAVE CONTACTED THE AUTHORITIES SIR…

BRAD
I’M GOING TO NEED TO SPEAK TO YOUR..

JENNY
SIR, I’VE DECIDED TO GO AHEAD AND REFUND YOUR MONEY. YOU GO AHEAD AND KEEP THOSE ITEMS.

SMILING FROM EAR TO EAR BRAD ADJUSTS HIS TIE AND CHECKS HIMSELF OUT IN THE MIRROR. HE CONTINUES TO TALK ON THE PHONE WITH JENNY AS HE LEAVES THE BATHROOM.

BRAD
I EXPECT MY REWARD POINTS TO REMAIN THE SAME AND THERE TO BE A HEFTY CREDIT ON MY ACCOUNT…

JENNY
YES SIR…

SCANNING THE RESTURAUNT HE SPOTS HIS TABLE, BUT NOTICES THAT MICHELLE HAS LEFT. THERE IS ONE PLATE WITH A HALF EATEN SLICE OF CAKE AND ANOTHER SLICE RIDDLED WITH FLOOR SEASONING. THE WAITER CASUALLY WALKS BY AND GIVES HIM A FAKE SMILE.

BRAD
SHE LEFT…

JENNY
GOOD NEWS SIR. I LOOKED OVER YOUR ACCOUNT AND I SEE WHERE YOU PURCHASED A BOTTLE OF LOTION NOT TOO LONG AGO.

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