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August 22, 2012

You are invited to the most random wedding announcement in the history of the world between two Canadian singers that were popular in 2003. There are no photos of them together that I could find. Save the d8.




You are cordially invited to join us in the wedding of Avril "Girl-Power" Lavigne and Chad "Grunge-Troll" Kroeger. (From Nickelback. The main singer. I don't know, are people even on a first-name basis with these guys? Well, either way, Chad, the one with the blonde hair. To his credit, he is the first guy in a band named Chad to ever get married in the history of the world.)

Please be advised this is not a sham marriage, an arranged marriage, or a pyramid scheme of any kind. This is a marriage based purely on love, and not a career move, otherwise this all would have been done in 2003 when Ms. Lavigne and Mr. Kroeger were at the top of their game. These two Canadian pop-rock singers have decided to engage in nuptials a full decade after the peak of their relevancy, and that in itself is a very absolute gesture. True love can very much be defined as waking up each morning to Chad Kroeger's greying chin hairs. 

Formal attire will be expected at the ceremony. Chad himself will be wearing a pair of unripped jeans, and Avril will step up the formalities by wearing a necktie. Damn does she ever insist on wearing neckties.The rest of the bridal party will join her in some sort of pro-feminist revolution designed to make every male in attendance feel like a castrated choirboy. 

The ceremony will be hosted by Chad's half-brother Freddy Kroeger, not to be confused with Freddy Kreuger the ruthless killer from "A Nightmare on Elm Street" who kills teenagers in their dreams. Though he will probably be there too, because let's face it, he's kind of let himself go after that horrible face grafting as he has nobody to really impress and would probably love to go to town on that chocolate fountain. He can dunk like five marshmallows at once with those pointy hands. But I digress.  Spider-Man will act as Chad's best man, because he owes him a favor for that song he wrote for him once. Most of the civilized world is still reeling in confusion over the fact that that ever happened.

The nuptials will be followed by a brief intermission, and then a brief fistfight, and then a brief screaming contest in a padded room, and then a brief album cover posing, and then a brief throat clearing, and then a brief guitar smashing, and then a brief ripping up of a picture of the Pope courtesy Maid of Honor Sinead O'Connor, and then a brief concert in the parking lot. Dinner will then be served, and while the members of Nickelback are very much of the belief that you should stab something loudly and run it into the ground before you eat it, you are encouraged to select from the menu attached the option of chicken, beef, vegetarian, gluten-free, or razor blades. 

The music played at the reception will consist entirely of the bride and groom's personal discography. It will mark the first time Nickelback has ever been played at a wedding, as normally it just gets everyone in a very down mood and confuses the old people. There's another milestone reached. Avril's music is largely about how the person you're with is wrong for you, which might lead some to question the authenticity of her getting married at all, but the irony will largely be lost on everyone after they've downed their fourteenth flute of Black Velvet.

This is sure to be the most talked about Canadian event of the week, if not the year, if not all time. Canada's legacy is no longer free health care or Justin Bieber or Ryan Gosling, it lives only within Chavril. Please join us in holy matrimony to celebrate the union of these two and also we're looking for volunteers to translate that really pretentious sappy stuff to the drummer from Nickelback as he's a little slow in the head.