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Since her rise to fame, Grumpy Cat’s morals have come into question. Is she really a good role model for kittens? Her arch rival, the Time.com and ABC News-featured feline viral video star Mylo the Cat, confirms the rumors. BY NICOLE RUSSIN

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Why are you worthy of toppling Grumpy Cat off her crown?

Well for starters, I was known as “The Angry Cat” three years before the Grumpy Cat was even born, so I can’t help but feel like she stole my whole schtick. I never really agree to interviews, but I felt as if it was time to take matters into my own paws and clear my good name.

Grumpy Cat stole your gig? How Lady Gaga of her! But I thought you beeze in tha trap like Nicki Minaj and were safe from copy(grumpy)cats!

I’m basically just tired of watching these popular internet cats get fat while I starve on the streets. I’ve pretty much come to accept my fate though, I’m not delusional…

I ordered Fancy Feast in a jar, and they brought me a generic brand cat food in a can.

I’m an average YouTuber. I get to live the rest of my life like a schnook.

Don t you find Grumpy is oddly masculine? I’m feeling an “Alaskan lumberjack, beer guzzling, I catch dirty salmon with my bare hands” vibe off her. She’s probably grumpy because dude looks like a lady.

I personally was shocked to find out that the Grumpy Cat was a female, and I totally get the Alaskan lumberjack vibe too. Can somebody get that girl a stylist or something?

Can we go for a full character assassination here? Grumpy isn’t fixed, if you know what I mean, and those hundreds of meowing cats outside her porch aren’t there for her grumpy face.

Sorry, but I can’t get on board with a full character assassination, because I’m terrified of her fans.

Cat people are dangerous people, and Internet cat people are even worse (my fans excluded). Shit, I’m just kidding, they’re not going to be happy about that one. But these people give her unconditional love, just because she’s unique-looking. What a superficial world we live in.

I can’t help but think if I was just a little bit cuter, funnier, more likeable, had a better personality, and was a better writer, then I’d be the top Internet cat in the world! But come on, she just freakin' sits there, with that freakin' smug look on her face. She doesn’t do anything!

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Wow, Grumpy sounds like Lauren Conrad. Just sitting there on a video. Admired for her looks. Except Grumpy Cat doesn’t have any good looks, and she’s kinda promiscuous. So in essence, Grumpy Cat is a Jersey Shore cast member.

I’m really not a jealous cat, I just get filled with blind rage when I see her success, that’s all. How about a little shout out or thank you to Mylo the Cat for paving the way for all of these Internet cats? What, you think you’re better than me? Look up “coolest cat on the internet” and tell me who comes up.

Do you still get followed by paparazzi?

My days of getting followed by the paparazzi are pretty much over. I ordered Fancy Feast in a jar… Oh wait, I already used that line.

But in actuality, I think I made the mistake of putting out actual content, and like jokes and stuff, because all the big-time Internet cats are way more popular than me, and all they do is post pics to their Facebook pages with cat puns. If I see another pic with the caption, “You’ve got to be kitten me,” I’m going to flip. The only paparazzi I get nowadays is my idiot producer snapping pics of me for my Facebook page and Twitter with his iPhone.

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What’s going to transition you this year from D-listed viral cat to Justin Bieber proportions? You know, he got discovered on YouTube too.

I think this year might be my year to jump from the D list to the C- list. I just released a Beastie Boys/Muppets mash-up that got 900,000 views in a week (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kq-VNCGBDRU), so I’m making moves over here. I also just hit 7,500 fans on Facebook, but I’m assuming that number will drop drastically after some of these people see this interview, because heaven forbid anyone speaks badly about “Tard.”

What kind of a freakin name is Tard anyway? If my owner named me Tard, I’d be pretty freakin pissed…

I’ve found in the past that making jokes about popular Internet cats, is equivalent to speaking badly about someone’s entire family, if not worse, so I hope the author of this article is prepared for the shit storm of hatred that’s about to come down on her. I’ve actually become much less angry in my old age, but all of these Grumpy Cat questions are bringing up bad memories. I do feel like I’m kinda like the Justin Bieber of the cat world, except I’m not a total ballbag, I’m only a partial ballbag.

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I don’t speak cat. You don’t speak any human languages. How are we communicating?

Oh I do, I speak perfect English, and happen to be very well educated. Where did Tard go to school? Seems like a community college education at best if you ask me. Also, I know I’m not a big-shot, but the second I achieved a touch of fame, I stopped dating cats, and only date human women.

I couldn’t help but notice that this broad Nicole who’s interviewing me happens to be quite good looking. Nicole, you ever bang a cat before? What about a tremendously good-looking cat?

You’re the first person, I mean, cat, who is NOT a professional athlete in about seven years to ask me out! I’m gonna do a big twerkin' dance around the kitchen! Plus, you’re in the entertainment industry. I’ve been hoping for a hot filmmaker a la Brad Pitt or new star to ask me out this year!!!!

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NICOLE RUSSIN does a Miley Cyrus twerking dance and raises an imaginary chalice at being asked out by someone who is neither a loser nor a professional athlete nor a professional athlete who is a loser

Paraphrasing Mean Girls, is that your natural hair color? You see, that’s the hair color I want. Orange. With stripes.

This is my natural color, I don’t know too many people who are gingers by choice. I think I make it work though Not too many people, I mean cats, can pull off this look. If you do attempt it, my offer for some cat lovin' is temporarily off the table, until I can further assess the situation.

ABOUT US:

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MYLO THE CAT is getting really famous. His YouTube video of the Muppets made Time.com. His press stretches across the pond into the UK. He owns a Facebook, old YouTube, new YouTube and a Twitter. In the future, he will replace Jimmy Fallon as a late night talk show host.

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NICOLE RUSSIN has written for lots of important publications. None of them matter here on Funny Or Die, because people on Funny Or Die don’t know how to read. She has written some cool cookbooks, has an amazing website, was on a NYFW promo and lots of cool stuff Mylo the Cat hasn’t done.

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