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Published June 17, 2013

Fathers Day 2013

HUDSON COUNTY, NJ (Chafed News) – Speaking from the stoop of his front porch, Howard Robertson, a 42 year-old, lifelong Hudson County resident, told reporters that Father’s Day, while enjoyed by some, simply served as a reminder as to why he hates his “good-for-nothing” son.  “I was looking forward to it.  Really I was.  After all the work he (Ethon, Howard Robertson’s eight-year-old son) put into Mother’s Day; with the breakfast in bed, and the ceramic mug- I thought for sure I was going to get something awesome.  But of course, I didn’t get anything awesome.  All I got was this shitty picture he drew two minutes before handing it to me, which I know his mother put him up to.  Honestly, just look at this thing (referring to the picture Ethon drew him).  He’s frowning- obviously unhappy, and he draws me as balding with grey hair and brown teeth?  Plus, the kid even misspells ‘daddy’?  He’s in the third grade for Christ’s sake and draws like a four-year-old and can’t spell, ‘daddy’!?  Really, this kid could not be more of a disappointment.  I hate to be a bitch about all this but, where’s my breakfast in bed?  Where’s my ceramic mug?  And when I think about all the hard work I do for that little shit all year, and the lifestyle l left behind when he was born… (Sigh) What can I say?  I hate him.”

Ethon Robertson, Howard’s eight-year-old son, says his father got exactly what he deserved.  “I didn’t make him breakfast in bed and I didn’t make him a ceramic mug because, frankly, he doesn’t deserve it,” Ethon Robertson said when asked about his father’s reaction to his Father’s Day gift.  “Mom’s great.  She does all sorts of fun stuff.  She’s always nice and sweet, unlike Dad who’s always in a bad mood and always seems kinda drunk.”  Ethon went on to say:  “Okay, I misspelled ‘daddy,’ and I’m not a great drawer, I get it.  But, in my own defense I was in hurry and I wasn’t exactly trying to make some great masterpiece.  With that said, the picture does capture the reality of the situation.   The man (his father-Howard) has grey hair, he is going bald, he does have horrible brownish teeth, and whenever it’s just him and I doing something, I almost always have a frown on my face.  I understand why he’s upset by the picture- the truth hurts.”

Ethon and Howard Robertson have no plans on spending any “quality time” together the remainder of the year.  Mrs. Robertson, Ethon’s mother and Howard’s wife, was unavailable for comment but is purportedly “trying to stay out of it.”

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