Full Credits

Stats & Data

January 22, 2013

Brian writes monologue jokes every day. “This is one of those days,” to misquote Fred Durst. You can find more at http://brianunderstands.tumblr.com and tell him he’s a muffin on Twitter @BrianLisi. Thank you.

During his inauguration speech on Monday, President Obama said, "Our journey is not complete until our gay brothers and sisters are treated like anyone else under the law." So you're welcome, Jodie Foster...?

Obama also promised to "respond to the threat of climate change" in his second term. Likewise, Republicans promised to "respond to the threat of minorities."

Monday night's inaugural ball was the first in history where soldiers were allowed to bring same-sex partners. Because if Obama is to be remembered for anything, it's his love of making old people uncomfortable.

600,000 people gathered to witness the event in Washington, D.C., down from the 1.8 million who attended Obama's first inauguration. Historians suggest the turnout for the first inauguration was mostly because people hadn't seen a black person before.

Rapper Lupe Fiasco was removed from the stage at an inauguration-related party for performing an anti-war song. To be fair, it's not like his name is Lupe Not A Fiasco.

The NBA announced that the Sacramento Kings will be sold to a Seattle-based investment group. The investment group also owns Hardy's, R&B and other things people didn't know existed anymore.

The band the Postal Service says it will reunite for a second album, though it's been 10 years since its debut. The band says they would've done something sooner but people might confuse them with the actual Postal Service.

Atari filed for bankruptcy on Sunday. Said its CEO: http://bit.ly/TfJ7kQ

Over the weekend, Joe Biden made the mistake of saying he was “proud to be president of the United States." In related news, Hillary Clinton said she was "proud to be president of the United States."

Katie Couric has scored the first interview with Notre Dame linebacker Manti Te’o. Te'o agreed to the interview once he found out there'd be photographic proof he was in a room with a woman.

A massive snowstorm hit Europe on Sunday, forcing hundreds of flights to be canceled. "Oh great, how are we going to pay back our loans NOW?" said Greece.