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August 10, 2017

"That's just my signing bonus and Well's Fargo doesn't let you deposit Humboldt Kush."

Sacramento Kings power forward Zach Randolph was arrested yesterday in Los Angeles with an alleged over two pounds of weed in his possession. For those of you keeping track at home, that’s the equivalent of eight quarter pounders with cheese of marijuana. That’s an obscene amount of green.

Here are 8 possible reasons Randolph gave police for carrying around a backpack overflowing with the Devil’s Lettuce.

1. Signing with the Sacramento Kings


“If you just signed with the Kings, you’d be smoking two pounds of weed a night, too.”

2. Can’t Drive for Uber


“How am I supposed to live off of 12 million dollars a year? I need to do something to supplement. I’d drive for Uber, but that would get in the way of my weed smoking time.”

3. Pot Brownies for the Kings Dancers


“I was going to surprise the Kings Dancers with my specialty dish. Those bitches love pot brownies.”

4. J.R. Smith


“I’m holding it for J.R. Smith.”

5. Wells Fargo Doesn’t Let You Deposit Humboldt Kush


“That’s just my signing bonus and Well’s Fargo doesn’t let you deposit Humboldt Kush.”

6. Game of Thrones Binge Watching

game of thrones.jpg

“I was going to binge watch Game of Thrones Season 7 and wanted to check out all those dragons and boobs in 3D.”

7. Advanced Copy of NBA 2K18


“My agent gave me an advanced copy of NBA 2K18 and I was planning on holing up in my place until training camp.”

8. California


“This shit’s illegal? I thought this was California.”