Washington DC - Trump brand burner phones to combat email leaks and/or hacks are now on the market.Politicians, pedophile priests, and business people will be able to conduct all manner of shady activities without risking their privacy.
Burner phones have come a long way in a short time. While every disposable phone allowed its owner to make calls without any trace of activity, Trump brand burner phones offer luxury.
“Every Trump Burner Phone comes with pre-loaded apps,” explained phone designer Andrew Canard. “We wanted to give the owner the Trump treatment.”
Apps include but are not limited to:
Trump Tweet Generator - Not only does this app create a fake alt-Right Twitter profile for you, but it sends out poorly worded tweets whenever you tap the Donald icon.
KGB Buddy - Want some dirt on political opponents? Tap, and you will get your own Russian lawyer to give you secrets of shared political enemies.
Ivanka Distraction - Pretty girls always distract the media. She’s so brave! She’s the voice of reason! Tap Ivanka’s face, and you will get your own pretty girl sent to various talk shows like The View and The Talk. Your pretty girl will make you shine!
The Democratic National Party was supposed to have its burner phone program up and running after the Debbie Wasserman Schultz scandal. However, Democrats couldn’t agree on which brand of phone accurately projects theWe lost the Supreme Court for a generation or two vibe they’re looking for.
Reports state Donald Trump Jr. is refusing to buy a phone for himself. Sources say he plans to tweet copies of his emails showing illegal activities whenever he wants to.