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August 13, 2012

Fill in the blank reviews, find out if you can be a dick critic


Rotten Tomatoes Fill-In the Blank Reviews


Movie review Fill in the Blank
Assembled from the dastardly one liners of hyperbole in Rotten Tomatoes,  here’s your chance to guess the metaphors and hate filled blanks and find out if you have what it takes to take a shit on movies.
Total Recall
James Rocchi 
MSN Movies
Wiseman directs his film as if it's a shark... But really, it's more of a _______, shiny and pretty but fat and dopey, fed on nothing but scavenged leftovers.
Answer: Carp
Richard Corliss 
TIME Magazine
Questions, questions nip at Len Wiseman's Total Recall like so many _______ at the feet of a sleeping ________. The big Why is Why bother?
Answers: Rats, Hobo
The Watch
Jake Coyle 
Associated Press
Though many of the jokes land, some of them feel like a game of ___________________.
Answer: penis-related Mad Libs
James Berardinelli 
The Watch is a studio __________ marinated in _________ that stinks worse than ______________.
Answers: turd, eau de skunk, week-old fish
The Bourne Legacy
Michael Atkinson 
Village Voice
The Bourne films have more than just overstayed their welcome and outlasted the Ludlum books -- they've been ________________, with an abrupt change of frontman and a resulting dip in personality.
Answers: Van Halenized
The Dark Knight Rises
Rex Reed 
New York Observer
Speaking lines they cannot possibly understand, not one actor makes any attempt to be believable. So manufactured and synthetic that they eventually lose all sense of reality, they're like reconstituted ­­­_________ and processed ________________.
Answers: orange juice, cheese
Hope Springs
Mark Feeney 
Boston Globe
"Hope Springs" panders with the clumsiness of grown-ups trying to do ____________ dance moves.
Answer: "Step Up"
Score 0: You either love all these movies or put in more vile answers, possibly comparing Total Recall to Roger Ebert’s penis.
1-5: You’ve been reading reviews or got to lazy to finish the quiz deciding that the distain for these films was lacking and not worth your time.
5-8: Lazy Plagiarist, if you’re going to out of your way to look up the reviews at least spell cheese without a fourth “e”
9-10: Start a blog that no one reads.
11: Satan
The Hollywood Defender