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April 01, 2011

Movie review of the most awesome movie I saw this week. Dick


 "Sanctum" is a movie about a cave.  Tell me more.  Yes. Yes. I'm interested. Hmm.  What kind of a cave you ask.  A really big cave that has...What?...Water?...In a cave? C'mon.  That cave is huge.  Holy crap.  And the topper.  Jimmy Cameron had something to do with it.  They used his wicked cool 3D camera.  Besides that, there are a few people you may have seen once or twice if you've seen tons of shitty movies like myself.  It was directed by a guy that directed some other stuff.

  So a bunch of rich Australian people decide they want to explore this huge cave in Papua New Guinea for kicks.  It seems like something white people would do.  I guess they already climbed stuff and skied everything.  They descend into the cave, the cave gets flooded, they get stuck, things get tense, people die, you make a sandwich and take care of some chores you've been meaning to do.

  Where were we? Oh yeah, rich white people are stuck in a cave that is filling up with water.  Awesome!  I know what you're thinking.  Please don't die.  Guess what? They all die except for one guy.  Imagine how long this movie would have been if 5 black dudes were stuck in a flooding cave.  Sorry, I'm just being racist.  Of course one of the black guys can swim.  But, in all fairness, 5 black dudes would not be stupid enough to go into a huge, flooding cave with no escape just for fun.  Only white people are dumb enough to see a massive cave and say, "Dude, lets go in there.  I gotta see what's in that cave."

   Guess how many caves I've been in? Thats right, zero.  You know why? Because I'm not an asshole.  There's even a dumb fuck name for these people.  Spelunkers.  "Hey honey.  Is it alright if I go spelunking with the guys this weekend.  I promise not to get trapped and die and leave you with the burden of raising our three children all alone."

   If we've learned anything from watching this movie it is that if you're ever stuck in a cave you deserve to die.  If your parachute doesn't open you had it coming.  If your rope snaps you shouldn't have been 500 ft off the ground.  If you break your neck doing a backflip on a motorbike you're an asshole.  If you try to be cool and swim with great whites and you get eaten by a great white you...you get the point.  See this movie.  It was really great.