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Published May 03, 2011
"Hey, Tom, good to see you. You got that Beverly Hillbillies packet we sent you?"

"Yup. Wrote a pretty good theme for you guys too if I do say so myself. 'Course, I've lived in the mountains most of my life so I understand the mindset, y'know?"

"Great, that's why we chose you. Let's get to it. Roll tape. And...whenever you're ready."

"Come and listen to a story 'bout a man named Jed
A poor mountaineer, barely kept his family fed,
Then one day he was shootin' at some dude,
And up through the ground came a bubblin' crude."

"Cut. I'm sorry, Tom, did you say he was out shooting at some dude?"

"Yup. See, the government thought he owed some back taxes and they sent out some G-men and Jed was just protectin' his land when they-- You know, it's all explained in the next verse."

"Okay, um, we don't think Jed should be shooting at people. The audience has to relate to him. How about...'Then one day he was shooting at some food.'"

"Why would you shoot at food?"

"Maybe he was hunting."

"Yeah, but when you go out hunting you don't say 'I'm gonna go food hunting.' You say 'I'm gonna go deer hunting', or some such."

"Look, just say food. And skip the next verse."

"Okay, if that's what you want."

"That's what I want. Let's take it from the top."

"Come and listen to a story about a man named Jed
A poor mountaineer, barely kept his family fed,
Then one day he was shootin at some food,
And up through the ground came a bubblin' crude.

Oil that is, black gold, Texas tea, Arabian ginger ale,
underground Quaaludes, explosive compressed dinosaur fossils-"

"Cut. What was all that at the end?"

"I was just explaining what crude was, in case some people didn't get it."

"Okay, but you can't...look, why don't we just keep it to...say...3 descriptions?"

"Sure, if that's what you want."

"That's what I want. It's okay, we'll fix it in post. Go on to the next verse."

"Okey dokey.
Well the first thing you know ol' Jed's a millionaire,
Kinfolk said Jed move away from there!
Said Californy is the place you ought to stay,
So he loaded up his shit and pretended he was gay."

"Cut. First of all, you can't use the word 'shit' on television."

"Okay."

"Secondly, 'He pretended he was gay?'"

"Yup. See with all this money he wanted a new life but the only way to get rid of his wife, who was a homophobe, was to say-- Look, it's all explained in the next verse."

"All right, we're going to have to change that. How about...um...Said Californy is the place you ought to be, so they loaded up...uh...the truck and they moved to Beverly."

"Beverly what?"

"Hills. That is."

"That doesn't fit the scansion."

"Just say it, like you did with the oil descriptions. And then throw in 2 more descriptions. But just 2. Then skip the next verse."

"Hmmm...If that's what you want."

"That's what I want. Let's do the last verse again."

"Okay, I got it.
Well the first thing you know ol' Jed's a millionaire,
Kinfolk said Jed move away from there!
Said Californy is the place you ought to be
So they loaded up the truck and moved to Beverly.

Hills, that is.
Swimmin pools, Roscoe's House of Chicken and Waffles
on the corner of Santa Monica and Highland, come on in
for the 99 cent special."

"Cut. What was that about Roscoe's?"

"I figure we can get money from them for advertising every time we play the song. I call it product integration."

"That's the stupidest idea I've ever heard. Just say swimming pools and...um...movie stars. Then just say the name of the show. Just do that, we'll fix it in post."

"Okay.
Swimmin' pools, movie stars.
The Beverly Hillbillies!
Watch it motherfuckers!"

"(Sigh) We'll just fix that in post, too. Thanks for your time."

"What about the end of the show? I've got a great verse about Jed kickin' the shit out of his dog."

"I think we're gonna go with someone else for the end. Get me the guy who did the whistling on the Andy Griffith show."

"That was me. They deleted all my words about Andy being a drunken cop with a penchant for easy women and just told me to whistle."

"Well, turd."
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