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September 08, 2008


I learned a few things last night after watching the VMA's. Let me put it out there first that in high school, my friends and I would make TV dates to watch things like the Video Music Awards (shouldn't it be the Music Video Awards? "I won an award for video music!" sounds like you either created the background music for the VHS tapes of Buns of Steel or you're a porn  composer, no?) and the season premiere of the Real World (I think this trend ended with Miami though - the season where they had to run...a bagel business? Could that ever happen now? The cast would get drunk and try to thread the bagels over someones dick or something.)

So ok, here's what I learned, aside from the usual "I'm too old for this shit":

The Pussycat Dolls think God is responsible for making them awesome. Or for being awesome?Something like that. 

The middle Jonas brother has likely never seen a tambourine before. Or any musical instrument for that matter.  Also, do the Jonases always dress like Jeff the mannequin man from Today's Special?

Russell Brand: I've taken funnier shits, although none of my shits have been British. They do have crazy hair sometimes, however.

I also learned that Entourage is on at the same time as the VMA's and there's less suffering involved if you watch that instead. 

I'm not bitter about being old and curmudgeonly and not getting these "kids today", I just worry about what now passes for award-winning. 

Since I'm not entirely happy with the quality of TV programming, I sometimes create my own shows that I would pitch to networks. I believe the only way to ensure that a show will be good is to create a punny title. It's just the only way. Some of the one's I've come up with, well, let's just say I'm expecting to pay some overages on my cell phone what with all the calls I'll be fielding from network execs. 

What happens when a Washington Post copyeditor gets bitten by a vampire? There sure is a lot of grammar at STAKE! This fall, on televisions everywhere it's Typo Negative

Whatever happened to that kid from the Terminator 2 movie? I don't know! But in this new reality show, we're going to track him down and revitalize his career, watch out, it's Once More, With Furlong

Bea Arthur Brand Muu Muu's. Home Shopping Network Exclusive Show: Oh Caftan, My Caftan!

What happens when you put Marlee Matlin, Donald Trump and George Hamilton in an Easthampton beach house with 12 underprivileged kids who desperately need to learn trigonometry? That would be the heartwarming and fascinating show Sign, Co-Sign and Tan Gent.

That's all I've got for today, but tomorrow, I might tell you about how obsessed I am with Jon and Kate Plus 8. Have you seen this show? These kids are amazing! I think my favorite line of any show ever might be when one of the little girls tells the camera man "Hannah pooped in Hannah's undawears". Now THOSE kids, I get.