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Published March 18, 2014

1) Begin by starting a fire in a modern, high-tech building.

2) Pour 1 quarter cup of crocodile blood (dragon’s blood if available) into the flames, bringing the fire up to the necessary temperature.

3) In a cauldron dangled over the fire, insert a handful of glass shards and two sprigs of petroleum. Simmer for 5 minutes.

4) In the cauldron, melt 2 winter tires, a bushel of Christmas lights of at least 5 different colours (excluding red, white, and green), 2 snow globes depicting baby Jesus, and 3 litres of mars water. Heat the contents for three and a half hours, completing two circles of somersaults around the fire every seven minutes or so.

5) In a separate bowl, mix diced leaves of the plastico plasticalinumus plant, one overflowing cup of rainbow drippings, and two bar stools of shiny, silver, foreign metal.

6) Take one pea pod, spin it under a strobe light, kick the disco ball, take a photo, and toss the pod and camera into the mixing bowl, yelling “I am I!” repeatedly directly into the bowl until sunset.

7) After sunset, spin the bowl upon your head three times, and then drop the bowl into the cauldron while hanging from a chandelier.

8) Put out the fire and let the cauldron cool in a wine cellar until sunrise. Pour the contents of the cauldron into a baking tray. Let sit on a chair until it sets. Examine the contents with binoculars or telescope, poking it with a toothpick, making sure everything is in order.

9) Cut the mixture into 8 servings, poking holes in each piece for the headphone jack and I-Pod charger.

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