When New Yorkers wake up in a cold sweat as a result of a night terror, the location in their head is Times Square (interchangeable with Canal Street, Empire State Building, or red bus). The only times excluded from the terror are between 12am-5am. Why? Because that’s when the fanny packs, mandals, and mom jeans have returned to their hotel rooms (avoiding what propaganda taught them would be their indefinite attack). For the sake of avoiding confusion, the theme of this article is not to attack the tourists. The task at hand is to find a way of comprehending the events and thoughts leading to these erroneous items running rampant and consequence free. The results will the discovery of a suitable solution allowing New Yorkers to no longer bear witness to this blasphemy. Since the New Yorkers are clearly the only ones who understand the calamity built in to the accessories, City-folk need to do America the favor of clueing the tourists in. It is time they know why they are easier to spot than a giraffe in a kiddie pool.
Giuliani cleaned up the streets, now it’s time for a power wash. Some hypothesis that come to mind are the lack of mirrors, the horrible, yet all too common “because everyone else is doing it”, or maybe the offender wants a target on their head that says “I don’t know where I am. Please come take my money”. Surely there is a way for New Yorkers and others to co- at least for that week. Evidently, that will only happen once these three disasters are back in East Nowheresland, so the city residents face a grave a task.
Mom jeans are by far the worst of this trio. Yes, that is a universal shudder rippling through the city. When the concept of these catastrophic denims is broken down, it’s shocking that only New Yorkers are repulsed. Mom jeans highlight the worst parts of a woman’s body (should there be a man wearing them, just run, clearly there is a much larger issue than the pants). After doing some Googling (mom jeans wearers are a different species rendering communication impossible), Yahoo had the answer. There were several possible causes, two were considered somewhat valid. First, the lack of a mirror was argued. Of course there are ways around it, but this one will suffice. The second reasonable cause is delusional thinking. One wrongdoer cited comfort as the culprit. That is not even slightly possible. The muffin top which is always served with mom jeans is evidence to the contrary. Now, the solutions will be introduced followed by implication. Using mirrors, rather than glass, in the store fronts that stand brave in “mom jean territory”, will force perpetrators to confront the heinous sight. This should shock them into a horrified panic, resulting in the dropping the hotdog and heading to Kinkos to order pajama jeans. Pajama jeans should be outlawed, but given the “comfort” factor, they get a reprieve. New Yorkers vow to look the other way, just as long as the muffin top goes by way of mom jeans. Regarding the delusional thinkers aforementioned, should pajama jeans not be to their liking, a medical professional will need to intervene since this is too large for one without proper training,
Next, the fanny pack is on the chopping block. Back to Google. The first two pages of the fanny pack search brought up (gasp) shopping websites with illustrations. Apparently, this behavior is not only accepted, but encouraged. Is it that much harder to drape something over a shoulder or (gasp) pack lightly enough for a pocket to suffice? Pant pockets are plentiful and purposeful. While investigating, I came across nothing that would ever remotely justify this item. As a result, the two most obscene answers are provided for entertainment. The first fanny pack vigilante proclaimed that they are excellent when running. Pardon? They slip and bounce based on the laws of physics. Clearly this gentleman has come across a very magical fanny pack and he may be allowed to continue the use, not in New York. Next, it was mentioned that the packs were making a comeback. Again, Pardon? This may be a larger issue than originally thought. The only solution to the fanny pack plague is to fight this by way of stick. Stick? Yes, given that no one wants to reach out and hit a fanny pack with flesh, a stick is great tool. Now, once the stick is secure in the New Yorker’s hand, reach to the pack and slap down. The estimated amount of packs that need to be slapped is somewhere in the range of 250-500. The minute there is confirmation to this protest in hometowns; news stations will run this story like all other manufactured cataclysms, making this simple stick hits seem like Armageddon. As a result of Stick-A-Geddon, the travelers will leave the pack at home or cancel their trip due to fear.
Finally, the dreaded mandal is under fire. No one would ever notice, if not for the ridiculous pairing of dirty socks or crusty, corned, hammer toes. A pair of Easy Spirits is surely more comfortable than straps that dig infected feet, made worse after walking. The sneaker is the suitable choice, not only for tourist comfort, but New Yorkers sight as well. There is no logic that could explain how a flimsy mandal beats a good ole orthopedic sole. Thus, there will be no explanations for mandal wearing stated. Upon further research, it is once again proven that Google failed New Yorkers. This slap in the face was delivered in the form of mandal shopping portals accompanied by visuals. This is unacceptable, and the horror is compounded since Google’s headquarters is located on the island of Manhattan. The plan of action here is to get SEO marketers to bump the mandal purchasing gateways (and fanny packs) to the obscurity of page three, replacing them with pajama jeans.
Rest easy comrades, the dark times are almost through. Hopefully by summer 2012 these items will be seen in museums and history books only. Just remember, teamwork is key. Everyone should act as their own mini Giuliani and keep this fantastic city safe and crime free.
One last thing, would anyone be willing to run into people, red rover style, tourist or not, when they walk four deep across the sidewalk in the middle of rush hour as slowly as they can?