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Published June 24, 2008

A ‘Heartbreak Kid’ Scene Would Have Been Easier

Jim McPartland

Funnyordie.com/jbmcpart

 

I love the original 1972 Heartbreak Kid (not Stiller’s wasted remake). When Charles Grodin’s character has to tell his newlywed-on-their-honeymoon wife he’s fallen for Cybil Shepherd (not a bad choice) and the marriage is over- while encouraging her to have more pecan pie- is a classic.

Unfortunately, not all guys who realize they made a monumental mistake can have the courage to do it verbally and put her on the next flight out.

No, some get devious. Deathly devious.

Let’s take the case of Gabe and Tina Watson. In October ’03, they exchange vows in Alabama then escape to Australia for some fun and scuba diving. It must have been her snoring on the long flight that caused Gabe to second guess himself and think of an alternative to sleeping next to a walking ‘breath right strip’ the rest of his life. That and the fact she signed over a life insurance policy of $130,000 right before they wed

11 days later, they’re out at the Great Barrier Reef. Gabe knows what he’s doing- a rescue scuba diver- the kind that saves panic stricken divers—just not his wife.. Tina’s just there for the dip and the hope the water will clear her sinuses. Her oxygen came off in the water and she drowned (natural causes or contributing factors like drugs have been ruled out). No mechanical failures. Somehow, her oxygen was either shut off or her mouthpiece came out. Gabe claimed in her panic, despite being trained to deal with these exact circumstances, she knocked off his mask. He somehow managed to get to the surface. She sank like a rock.

An investigator was quoted saying ‘Only Tina and Gabe know what happened. Unfortunately, Tina can’t tell us’. Gabe is so shrewd he did research on the currents before giving 2 inconsistent statements. He has refused to talk to the authorities since then, although he did try to get travel insurance money. Gotta fucking love Alabama.

All the evidence points to foul play. It took Gabe 2 minutes to get to the surface while the rescuer that brought Tina up- at twice the depth- did it in 1.5. The computer monitors that come on the equipment do not match up with the depth he claimed to be at. Oh, and that Tina had told friends he’d ‘kill her’ if she didn’t go diving with him.

Later in the day, Gabe was at a bar playing cards, drinking away his widower sorrows.

He can’t even cover his tracks well, but because it’s an international affair and the autopsy cannot be conclusive beyond drowning, Gabe walks the streets of Alabamy. Almost 5 years later.

I wonder how many dates he’s gone on and if he invites them fishing.

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 The newlyweds in happier times. All 11 days. She’s pretty. I just want to fuck up his face.

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 There’s nothing funny about this pic. I just hope they tear Gabe’s balls off and make him eat ‘em before they pull the switch at Alabama Correctional

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