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November 07, 2011

Oh, Justin, you put your penis in a woman and might have inadvertently spawned a bastard Bieber. Though, you're not the victim! Someone else is...

    Justin Bieber uses his penis and the world loses it's collective shit. What did you think was going to happen? You give a kid with mediocre talent a record deal, turn him into some tweenie pop star and expect him to keep his dong behind a zipper. What the hell is wrong with you, world? Look, I am no singer, much less a mediocre singer but, if you gave me a pop single in the pop charts and the inevitable (excuse my French ladies) pussy pool that came with it, I think you'd find 90% of my hot ass pop fan base, getting their asses popped by me. They'd all be  crapping out kids with my face! Seriously, did you expect J. Bieb not to hump...well...EVERY-fucking-THING? 

This kid's career has a shelf life and it's almost up.
Fuck Justin! Fuck while you're still relevant!

    I'm not one to point fingers here. A "reportedly" good looking pop star had sex with an older chick in a bathroom. He's living the dream and so was she. There's nothing wrong with that! Well, other than the 20 year old woman being charged with statutory rape. Who was harmed really? Bathroom sex is a fantasy that is desired and then, denied by roughly 99% of the average sexually active human beings on the planet. If you asked a bush person in rural Zimbabwe, if they'd get it on in a concert hall bathroom, most would immediately ask for food, THEN, they'd ask what concert hall and with who. Everyone has thought about it. Everyone would sooo do it, if given the right, consequent free opportunity. Getting it on with a hot stranger in a utilitarian restroom is practically a sub-plot in the American dream! In fact, I think it's even buried in the Patriot Act somewhere. Bathroom fucking is "freedom"! When we stop having random encounters with hot women or pop stars in public restrooms, the terrorists win. They WIN! You don't want that. Do you?

This freak knows what I'm talking about!

    Bathroom fornication aside, the horrifying end result of this particular hump session, is that a child may have been conceived inside of a concert venue's pisser. What a story THAT kid is going to have growing up. "Yeah, my Mom and Dad got it on in a public bathroom. It was in all the papers and I was scarred for life before I was even shat from her womb. Start your scathing, relentless ridicule now gentlemen.". Wouldn't this kid be the true victim here? His mother, a hapless groupie to a teen pop star whose audience is mostly twelve year olds. Why the shit was this woman at a Justin Bieber concert anyway? Was she dropping off her little sister? Maybe, she was there to chauffeur a group of tweens from a party at Chuckie Cheese, to the concert. While she was waiting and possibly sexting an age appropriate beau, she caught the young Bieber's eye. An eye that must have said something like, "Golly, I bet she has pubes!". He then, got one of his cronies to escort her into the secret world known only to the Bieber himself. The shadowy world of "Bieber's Boner". No really, why was she there? She's 20! Good god. 

Justin, demonstrating how he fingers "a bitch".

    This poor kid's Daddy. Holy shit. Can you imagine? A kiddie pop star whose window of fame is rapidly closing. It's almost a Shakespearean tragedy. He'll grow up having to put up with Balding Bieber's recounting of how he was once "the shit". Oh, those countless nights of hearing his Dad, sob, about what could have been. The alcoholism. All the laughable attempts to regain a foothold in the entertainment industry by singing in Econo-Lodge bars to people who only passably recall his existence...only to be heckled off stage. His life will be filled with constant reminders of his father's illustrious past and inevitable downfall. Situations like:
"Who's your Dad?"
"Justin Bieber"
"He was a teen pop singer."
"Oh, cool. So...$20 on pump 9 and can you add in these jerky strips, a copy of Swank and this tube of KY? Thanks."
Oh the poor, poor Bieber bastard baby.

He'll also have to live with knowing the world
has instant access to pictures of his "old man"
dressed like a complete fucking idiot.
Thanks internet!

    So, I believe, the real victim here, isn't the outing of a pop stars erection usage, nor is it a comically over aged Bieber groupie getting dicked...twice. The second time being a jail sentence. The real victim, is that unborn bastard. The poor fucker that has to live with his parents indiscretions being public knowledge. Sure, a lot of us would stand in line to be born as a famous person's kid. The luxury, the knowledge that you'll never have to work and everyone will want to do you, simply because "you're that famous person's kid", are all reason enough to want that. Do you know how much pussy those damned Lennon kids have gotten over the years? Me either. Though, I'm sure it can be measured in metric tons of top quality ass. What this kid will get will be the amount as say...One of the Hanson brother's kids would get. Which would be...maybe, something like...this...

That poor Bieber, bastard baby.
 He never asked for this.