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  • Put phone in a room by itself and don't answer when it rings. This will be tough at first, but eventually, it will learn not to ring anymore.
  • Delete space-wasting contacts in your address book, like your family or the police.
  • Rub bottom of phone and blow into charge hole.
  • Quick! Get it out of the toilet!
  • Buy seven iPhones, one for each day of the week.
  • Scare it straight. Ask your iPhone if it wants to see a dead body, then show it your previous phone lying lifeless in the junk drawer. That should do the trick.
  • Put the phone on "airplane in an underground tunnel” mode.
  • Scrawl the words “Does anyone have an iPhone 5 charger?” onto a piece of cardboard. Sit with this on the side of the road until a good samaritan comes by and bums you some juice.
  • How ‘bout investing in one of those cool battery-charging Mophie cases? No? You sure? I have a bunch out in my truck if you change your mind!
  • Go into settings and hit “murder Siri”.
  • Never put it in 'Airplane Mode.' It’s inhumane, paralyzing your phone and making it unable to function as it knows it can. It is equivalent to someone waking up during surgery which is a goddamn living nightmare.
  • Always use a condom (nothing to do with iPhones but good advice nonetheless).
  • If your name is Tim Cook, turn off the bluetooth, walk down the hall and say “my phone’s being stupid.” Someone should help you immediately. 
  • Try duct taping a bunch of AA batteries you found in a drawer to the back of your iPhone. Could work, weirder things have happened.
  • During an electrical storm, go outside and get your phone struck by lightning. That’ll charge her right up.
  • Before using it, oil your phone, place a rubber band around it, and keep it under your mattress for a night. Wait...is that for iPhones or baseball gloves? Pretty sure it’s iPhones.
  • Keep the phone nestled between you and your loved one at night. The warmth and security should make it want to live a little longer. 
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