It’s a fact — we all love rats. In what is sure to be the most popular post in the history of the website, Funny Or Die takes a moment to acknowledge the Up and Coming New York Subway Rats of 2014. If they haven’t already achieved it, these rats are on the brink of stardom in the rat community, unless of course they swallow some rat poison or they die in a fight over a tasty scrap of garbage.
Only one year old, Bloaf is already causing a stir in the Jay Street Metro Tech stop. Known for scarfing down stray dollar bills and every type of coin, Bloaf is considered the richest rat with the toughest stomach. And attention, lady rats — this bad boy is now single after his girlfriend was smacked into a dumpster by a well-swung shovel. Bloaf says Jay Street is on its way back up to being the Brooklyn stop to find good garbage and squeak with some friends. With his own fuck’n’chew opening up in the subway maintenance closet, we may well see Bloaf on Forbe’s List of Top Rats in 2015 and beyond.
Most rats avoid eating between the tracks when a train flies overhead — not Fornuck. This rodential badass frequents the Herald Square stop in Manhattan, known for its fantastic road system for rats and the ever popular “Storage Closet — Do Not Enter,” a well-holed room famous for giant swirling rat orgies and easy access to piping. Local rats know him as the latest daredevil to test the limits of the upper platform — hopping from bench to trash within inches of half a dozen homeless Rip Van Winkles, cleaning himself on the escalators, running over feet just for the thrill — there’s nothing Fornuck’s afraid of, except poison.
Considered by many as the Kim Kardashian of rats, the sultry Moozifarell first made waves when she fucked a possum under the bright lights of an out of service R train. Some say possum fucking is just an easy way for rats to get in the spotlight, but Moozifarell has stayed there with her popular series of hole-chewing exercises and coat-dirtying tips. She’s at every noteworthy trash spill and always seems to be at 4 stations at once. And with her own line of energy scraps coming out this fall, the only thing that can stand in Moozifarell’s way are the constant threat of rat traps.
Not afraid to flaunt her curves, Homal is an unabashed devourer of discarded McDonald’s wrappers and broken umbrella grips. Seen as a burgeoning spokesrat for other obese rodents, Homal found herself in some hot water last year after squeaking some racist epithets about Norwegian rats. The rat community at large has accepted her apology, however, convinced she turned a new leaf after publicly fucking a Norwegian rat on the counter of an underground newsstand.
Grand Central Station’s first openly gay rat is as brave as they come, hopping on third rails and scrambling for dropped scraps in the middle of the day — a time when most rats are comfortably asleep. An outspoken advocate of masturbating wherever and whenever you get the urge, some feel Jupitor may be a little too controversial to be the face of the Gay Rats Movement. They are clearly in the minority, however, as more and more rats are flocking to his Saturday night Union Square romps, where he will squeak out about rat’s inherit sexual freedom and immediately back it up with an impressive marathon of tail sucking and ear-balling (when a rat sticks its balls in another rat’s ears). If you decide to go to one of his soirees, be sure to arrive ten minutes early for a complimentary clump of lady hair.
Challenging the idea of the prototypical male rat, Fladder kicks the shit out of black rats and has had sex over 4,000 times, but is not afraid to show his sensitive side, pausing to take in graffiti and often seen gnawing on pink garbage. And unlike most male rats, he’s not quick to devour baby rats. Truly a complicated soul, Fladder has blossomed into a mentor to other rats struggling to not eat their own shit pellets, having been shit-sober for almost five months. Fladder claims the change came after a two week pilgrimage to the top of the Empire State Building. Despite a lack of food on the rooftop, Fladder says, the other rats refused to eat their own shit; and as he stared at the gigantic city beneath him, he recognized there were plenty of scraps and trash for everyone — you just have to find it. Hopefully this rat will be inspiring others for months to come.
The final rat on our list of Up and Comers, little is known about Brotits, except that he rode a D Train all the way to the Bronx, killed a raccoon, and wore its masked face for three weeks.