Blaze Described as "A Real Sizzler"
In California, a tractor-trailer carrying 76,000 pounds of beef ribs caught on fire. More than a dozen firefighters were called to the scene, along with 5 cases of baked beans and 40 pounds of potato salad.
A Man Who Knows His Priorities
A Kansas man escaped his burning house in the middle of the night, then ran back inside to save his Xbox. Which explains the new Xbox game: "Call of Duty: Fucking Idiot."
Put the Money in My Purse and No One Gets Hurt
In Texas, a man robbed a Walmart disguised in a women's wig and lipstick. Call me old fashioned, but I think it's nice when someone makes the extra effort.
Didn't See That Coming
The actor who portrayed the Marlboro Man in print ads has died from a smoking-related disease. In related news, Captain Crunch has been diagnosed with Type 2 Diabetes.
Does This Ass Make My Dress Look Fat?
In an effort to give brides a more realistic idea of how a dress will look on them, bridal stores have begun using mannequins with thicker waists, back fat, and saggier breasts. Displayed next to them are realistic male mannequins terrified they'll be asked: "Would This Dress Look Good on Me?"